Suicidal

In a little home, all alone; there once lived a girl,
beautiful, 5 feet 7, her hairs had lovely curls.
She loved a guy, more than she ever loved her life,
and waited for the day, to be recognised as his wife.

she treated him like a gift sent from heavens above,
& often said, he taught her the true meaning of love.
She longed to be in his arms, holding onto his hands,
he was everything to her - a lover and a best friend.

He too loved the girl from the botton of his heart,
he had a strong belief that none can do them part.
The only obstacle was, he was too far from her,
maybe 530 miles, i'm unsure what the numbers were.

At times she talks to him of one of her friends,
saying he's the one on whom she can always depend,
he often asked "Oh! Well, then what am i to you?!"
She replied, "you've made my dreams come true."

"you're the one whom i think of all day and night,
you've filled my life with happiness and delight.
Whenever i close my eyes, it's only you i see,
i love you more than my life, you're everything to me."

It was her best friend, she always talked about,
something's going on, now the guy started to doubt.
At times he's like a glass filled with anger to the brim,
he thought an affair was on between her and him.

At times he thought how much she speaks is true,
he wanted her to prove when she said "i love you"
he often asked "why don't you value what you say?"
and she always replied "why do you feel that way?"

The distance between them had a serious impact,
and soon, like the start, nothing was perfect.
The girls effort to stay with him didn't last too long,
lovely melody of her life turned to a monotonous song.

With thoughts of doubt each and every passing day,
their trust was breaking & their love fading away.
Time went on slowly and nothing could be fine,
doubts in his mind kept showing their shine.

She missed him and her nights were passing in a cry,
she sent him many letters, he didn't send any replies.
No words can describe, the pain she was going through,
she didn't know how to get to him or what else to do.

She talked to his friends and asked his number,
but he wasn't interested and kept ignoring her.
Poor her tried to search for him in things all around,
and at the times she needed him, he was never found.

He never showed concerns for her, he never even cared,
the pain she was living, couldn't be compared.
The girl was really hurt, she committed suicide,
the news next day read "girl, 20, yesterday died..."

In a room locked from inside, her body was found,
stained in blood, next to the bed, lying upon the ground.
In her left hand, she clasped a note,
upon the letter, her last words she wrote.

"When you read this, i wouldn't be here with you,
but that does not mean, my love was never true.
Who was that guy Honey? He was nothing to me,
you were my life, i wished you could see...

"I would love you for eternity", was your promise,
but you didn't trust my love for you and i hate this.
Now you have broken the promise you once made,
i'm going far away with a slice of the blade.

I loved you with all my heart and i forever do,
but what's the purpose of living, if i'm not with you?
Maybe i wasn't your girl or you couldn't see,
that you were my life, my everything to me.

With a last wish, to see your face,
i'm going to the heavens above, in God's embrace.
Remember, no one can love you the way i loved you,
every word of promise, was cent percent true.

This is my last present for you, for what you've done,
i'm going to a place, from where i'll never come.
As you'll read this and i'm in the heavens up above,
maybe then you'd realise, the thing called true love."

It was never meant to be this way, with a weep,
now she's lying in her grave, forever in deep sleep.
See that doubts for sure, can cause a relation's death,
so don't ever let doubts take away your last breath.

Try to understand. just try. but dont try too hard

Vienna - Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if you're so smart, tell me
why are you still so afraid?

where's the fire what's the hurry about?
you'd better cool it off before you burn it out
you've got so much to do
and only so many hours in a day

but you know when the truth is told..
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
you're gonna kick of before you're even
get halfway through
when will you realise? Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
you can't be everything you want to be before your time
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight..
tonight..
too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
though you can see when you're wrong, you know
you can't always see when you're right. you're right

you've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
when will you realise? Vienna waits for you.

Slow down you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realise? Vienna waits for you

and when you know the truth is told..
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
why don't you realise? Vienna waits for you
When will you realise? Vienna waits for you

in comemoration of my words
the words i shall never speak, the words to offer my bosom,
my touch, my care and concern. true, sometimes,
you just need to relax, chill out and you know, that you've
always got somewhere to run to.

"a pragmatist, a rationalist who didn't give due credit to the
influence of emotions and pent up sentiments"

used to describe a political leader.. but how so true is it,
when applied in description of myself and probably,
all of the rest of us out there.
but you should know, beneath the strength, always lies
a greater weakness.. the stronger one appears to be,
the weaker he is inside..
Why? why is HE so soft now? When HIS life had been
a hard one to live?

That's cause he had gone insane, insane due to his
everchanging viewpoints of the different connotations
of love.. Intimacy; a by-product of love,
this was never his thoughts, never when his heart
sunk from the defeat of unconditional love.

now, he will try it once more..
for he has felt that god was no longer with him..
and he has choosen to forgive himself
and ask god to once again forgive him,
to stay with him. in his quest to find this
belief in emotions and thus, love once more.

'respect her being, honour her purity'

he shall stand by these words.
i promised to be there, i promised i will stay.
but will you allow me to fulfil my promise?
and always remember, no one can be blamed,
for loss of relationships, so i command unto
thee, to be free of all things that prove
to be hindrances, and proceed onwards
as your heart commands. it pains to ignore
the heart. =D

when will you realise? Vienna waits for you

All For the Heck Of it..

Another night, After Rugby training.

Act II, Scene I : In the toilet outside the gym.

Enter Fade, Freak, Stickman

Stickman: What? You mean he really is Bi?

Freak,Fade(in unison): OF COURSE..

Freak: What? you think we'd be kidding about his sexuality
*Gawffaws* We wouldn't be doing that for 5 years now right?

Fade: Hell no.. Yeah.. see, open options, So i wouldn't get bored,
UNLIKE someone.. -eyes Freak.

Stickman: Well, i don't wanna get into those relationships too,
cause i'm worried of getting bored.. Since, i am heterosexual
too.. Lucky me.. i'm gonna hold out til marriage man..

Freak: Now marriage would be different man.. sex for love is
not intercourse, it's SEX.. different.. but for intercourse,
open options, Giving or receiving, certainly proved advantageous..

Fade: YAMAN! That's what i do man.. Everyone ought to be like me.

Freak: Uhhhh.. i think i'm still fine the way i am..

Stickman: Yeah.. me too.

Act II, Scene II: Still in the toilet

Enter Mary.(just out of the showers)

Mary: What? You mean being bi has advantages??

Fade: *checks Mary out*

Stickman: well according to them.. but from what they say, i agree too.
*eyes wide, mouth agape*-when he realises what Fade was doing-
DUDE! what are you doing? Stop checking my friend out!

Fade: Well, he had to walk out in his undies..

Stickman: now you wouldn't check him out if you were a girl right?
Would you?

Fade: i don't know man..

Mary: *just recovered from shock* Nah~ you wouldn't
if you haven't noticed, i'm not exactly one of the very hot guys.

Fade: At least you have the chest.

Mary: Look at freak, he's wayyy better than me.

Freak: No man.. i don't exactly look very good man..

Stickman: no actually you are one of the better looking guys in school.

Mary, Fade (unison): yupp.

Fade: In school yeah..
(cut off by Freak)

Freak: well, IN school, outside, maybe just bearly average.

Mary: We cant really hook girls if we're not good looking.

Freak: Actually, No.. we can..

Fade: Y'know, a girl can go for a fat guy but a guy will never go for a fat
girl.

Freak: there you go..

Mary: Really? how come?

Freak: it's just nature's law, guys don't really have to be afraid of looks,
they just need charisma..

Stickman: We set? lets go outside and continue, cause it's way too wrong
to be standing in a toilet talking about stuff like that.

So they left the toilet and went along to buy a drink and sit for a chat,
Stickman left early for tuition he doesn't need. Freak, Fade and Mary
chatted for another hour or so.

All For the Heck Of it.. A night in the Freak's life

Act I Scene I: Leaving MacDonalds' TPY-1

Entr' Act, Fade, Freak

Freak: y'know i'm getting sick of this stuff?
Uncommisioned unofficial 'connections' and all..

Fade: Now, since when did you recently have it?

Freak: well, the 2 weeks holiday thingy? the one with
OBS and all? Well, hooked up a 14 year old one.
Felt like Puking after that...

Fade: Oh~ why? cause you cant puke down there you
gotta puke up there?

Freak: Nah~ i puked fine down there but i just felt sick
after that.. like, it no longer means any fun to me..

Fade: Now that's why you've gotta keep your options open,
so you won't get bored.. Look at me, i can give and recieve.

Freak: *raised eyebrow* i think i'm quite fine the way i am.

Closing: Fades down the flight of stairs.

Act I Scene II:

Entr' Act: Fade, Freak

At the open area down the flight of stairs, towards JTC.

Fade: Maybe if you get your fetish, you wont be so bored?

Freak: Maybe... But remember mine isn't all weird?
Not like spanking or uniforms and all?
Hot girls with full back tattoos aint easy to come by y'know?

Fade: well yeah~ too bad.

Freak: Skip the topic man.. Long way?

Fade: i've gotta hit J8 so ok..

-as they walked along, their lighthearted heart-to-heart speech
carries on.. fading into the dark of the distance with a Songka band
playing as if to soothe the singing of the crickets in the late evening moonshine.

damn this life sucks

i witnessed your futile attempts to spite me,
same location, different emotions
i didnt make the wrong choice
to be just friends(:

friends come and go in your life,
vincent, kejun, weisheng, kai
you'll always be fondly remembered in my heart
these memories always remain,
but the people, sadly dont stay

to my buddy.
we've been drifting,
the meetups with you dont seem as heartwarming anymore
there are times i hesitate
before i confide in you,the speech is limited,
time constraints are ever present,
different cliques, different environments
the lack of effort present
those heart to heart talks,those tears we shed
i know, will only be be extant fragments
for me to reminiscise upon
because i know,we'll never be how we used to be anymore
perhaps time will let you notice the distance between us
i miss you buddy, where are you?
perfect strangers, we'll soon become...

That post, hurt me further than one can imagine.
it feels worse than my skin being ripped from my flesh.
this friend i hold more dear than my life..
is now telling me we are no longer that tight..
happiness is said to be found in the simplest things,
loveing another w/o returns can also be a joy..
but what if you had once this love back?
won't you miss it more than anything..
it ain't the kinda fragile love we had,
it was the love of a family, the love that can last a life.
but now the distance between us never seemed greater,
telling myself it wasn't there and i was just oversensitive.
why did you have to point it out?
why did you have to make it so real?
it's like a sound in my head, slowly resonating,
never fading.
i miss you too.. we knew this would happen
but remember our promise to be there at the end of the road,
to study in the same uni,
don't ever forget that, and when we are once again close
to each other, we can again catch up and progress with each other.
never shall we be strangers.

anybody disagrees?

everyone says "pursue your dreams, pursue your dreams"
"follow your heart, do what you like, not what you were told"
but how many people actually are allowed to pursue their dreams?

in our lives, to pursue our dreams,
as kids, we faithfully wait for opportunities.
but many a time, when it arises, we are afraid, we are afraid to venture.
but not only so, some of us, do not even get these opportunities,
so we give up, we know that we are getting old,
we lose ambitions and we settle, that's how pathetic we are.
it's sad, demoralising, how many people have dreams, all of us..
how many can actually realise our dreams? not many...
we then have to lie to ourselves.
to keep ourselves hanging above the line, not wanting to subject
ourselves to the same old pitiful and mundane life story.

But the thing is, pursuing a passion indeed takes alot,
scarificing almost everything you have.. your comfortable life,
your lover, your time, your money..
almost everything.. most people do not have this kind of drive.

so what do they do?
they settle, settle for a job, or even a spouse that is
convenient, average or 'okay'.
so when asked, why do you do this?
he'll answer, "oh, cause it's okay" or "it pays the bills"
and the most classic, "it sucks, but it's a job, it isn't supposed to be fun"

that's the state our society is in now.. but can we really help it?

Lost Love. Or Lost Direction..

Life is getting very bleak
i don't think i will find the love i seek.
the future is seemingly black
and i know there is now going back

The chances for success
are becoming less and less
i've poured out my soul and heart
and we still remain miles apart.

my love for her is so deep
it even robs me of my sleep
i'm in so much pain
maybe a deep blade into the vein.

do you think that this signifies the losing
of love or the losing of one's direction in life?
i mean after we lose something dear to us,
we cease to believe in something,
we lose a part of us and become different.

during a divorce, you do not get divided..
no.. u get diverted. les divertes
you are FORCED to change your way.
you need to replan your life,
edit and change your calander, ur schdule,
readjust to quiet thursday nights without
her.
your friday nights are blissful with friends.
but your bliss is shortlived now,
cause you know when you reach home,
you have to face the walls alone,
you slam back to bed.

life's lesson learnt?

The best teachers in life,

are not people who bring you to your destination.

They are the ones who show you many ways,

and you will have to choose your own,

then they will become useless to you,

they can not help you anymore for

you have taken the path of your choice

of which they have no knowledge about.



life is like cycling, and cycling alone is quite boring.

and just like any long cycling trip,

many people will give up, even your friends,

you will go out on your own journey,

meeting friends who will cycle with you,

as you cycle and the fatigue builds up,

you will start watching friends give up,

one-by-one. but you cannot stop,

you cannot stop because you are aware

that our time is limited,

you leave them behind, now you are alone,

you want to give up, you don't know where you should go,

you notice a certain van, you decide to hang on to this van,

the van called routines.



that is how most of our lives become.

but is that what we want, yes, routines

make life so much easier, we can go on,

without thinking,

that's when we die when we are alive,

we become blind to the changes and wonders

around us, we cease to feel miracles,

we no longer remember the questions we ask as kids.



"who is GOD?"

"why can't we do what we want?"

"why must we pray?"

"why must we go to churh?"

"why is it we don't have to work as kids?"



so they lose all the questions?

or is it that we have, over the years resigned

to the fact that we live to follow designated paths.

when the WorldTradeCenter crashed in 11/9/01,

the world was in a frenzy to move the debris,

in hope to find life.

most of the lives that had already resigned to routines,

in a way, they were liberated.

but if you take this lesson spiritually,

you will know that deep inside,

routine has long crashed our soul,

our dreams covered in debris,

lets all try to change that, break away

from our comfort zone, do things that we don't

usually do.

Pride, Honour, Glory.

you know, i don't get my title..
but i'll just try to blog about something relavent..
i mean, that's the whole bloody point to it.

i'm so tired, so tired of it..
i mean i am prideful too, sometimes, too much,
i understand.. but i don't get those people who
can waver so much to their pride,
some people whom i'm only aquainted,
though i don't know them but stories are enough.
if only one person tells me a story,
i sure as hell wouldn't take it for real.
but if i hear more than one story,
about the same guy, about the same thing,
i might believe,
i still will not judge but this is a reflection
of my thoughts on those who hold their pride
above everything else they have and do.

yes, these people look for girlfriends,
these people cannot let go,
these people will still save their pride
no matter what,
i seriously believe that if your girlfriend
means less than your pride,
don't get a girl, you'll only hurt her
and yourself.. you must be thinking right now,
'what is this guy saying?'
well, i'm not saying guys shouldn't have pride,
i'm saying, we should keep it in check,
our girls deserve better,
i'm not saying we MUST always give in,
i'm saying, we should try to give in once in awhile.

she has her social cycle, if she has guy friends,
jealousy is allowed.. but some go to extremes man..
you can be jealous but please, think,
if you guys quarrel? some other guy might be
the one patching you guys up.. or mayb,
u want her to only talk to u,
you wanna be her world?
ever read my previous post?
"give another your bread; but eat not of the same loaf"
that means that both of you should still have your own lives,
why do you think that permenance
can be maintained by possesion?
it won't happen, both of you will tire out..

you are never ready to love when
you can't put her abouve what you so egoistically want.

"Above all, guard your heart; for it's the wellspring of life"-Proverbs 4:23

Dishevelled

Remember times when you
can't even pick yourself up?
not with your faithful chocolate and all,
and your candies doesn't seem to help too.

then what else do you have? hope.
when Pandora, just like Eve, succumbed to
curiousity and opened the box which Zeus
so strongly warned her against opening,
she release all of them evils and only hope
remained, that's why in times of despair,
we always blindly turn to hope..

but can hoping change anything?
now don't mean to spoil your wonderous
mood and all.. but,
think about this, when you are hoping,
what do you hope for? things to get better?
or for things not to get worse?
didn't you already realise that
things cant get worse?
or didn't u realise that nothing comes
better than they are supposed to be?

haha.. now u can choose to trust in hope..
but a fool will only believe in himself
and trust other fools that believes in him.