trudging through life w/o guidance

Choice

2010-08-11T14:07:00.002+08:00

its the choices a person makes in his/her

lifetime that gives the person his/her

identity. Some choices are made

for reasons we believe to be logical;

some are based on false hopes

and dreams of the past once again repeating.

"Lovers always come

and lovers always go

and no one really knows who's letting go today."

-November Rain, Guns 'N Roses

some choices are made because

some people refuse to step out of their

comfort zone even if its killing them not to.

so afraid of what will happen next,

when they leave their miserable zone,

they do not know what to expect.

it happens to scare them to know

that they would want to leave the

fears that they have lived with for

so long and face new things

which might bring about other fears.

i would like to add that i,

would encourage people to choose

what they really want and not what

they THINK they want

Desire

2010-06-18T13:37:00.003+08:00

Lifting off, the dream was just a dream

which might become reality,

before it does, it has a minimal effect

to do with my life or the way it's lived.

In one's life first comes dreams;

then comes wants and needs.

Want, the most basic form of desire.

Isn't it true that to anyone out there,

with enough desire, a want becomes a need?

Then wouldn't it be that

the line between wants and needs

cannot be drawn clearly by another party?

It is through our desire to live

that humans compete with nature to create

a convenient environment by

lording over the rest of nature

with our brute ways

in order to ensure our interests and survival.

(Survival of the fittest)

When food and water is considered to be

needs of sustaining our lives,

our desire to live brings us to feel

a need to nourish ourselves.

so if even the most basic

survival is driven by desire,

then shouldn't life be all about desires

instead of just fulfilling our needs?

Why so are we taught to

WORK to fuel our needs

and confine ourselves in our own

prison of sick and schedule routines

which do not fully benefit us but

thoroughly benefit others?

For one, when most people work,

they earn money for the company,

for the owners to achieve their desires.

While they slog for loose change,

the higher-ups reap the profits.

The world is fair,

some people just fair better than others.

Now what's your desire,

to simply live because you're alive

or to live for your desires?

decide.

The Dream

2010-05-08T03:59:00.000+08:00

Good morning.
It's 4am and since I'm really bored,
I've decided to tell more about myself.

At this time of the night,
needless to say, most of us are dreaming
whether we will remember these dreams,
it's entirely a different matter.

The entiire story starts of -as far
as I can remember- in the year 2000,
7 years ago, my 13th year of life.
As a child of that age, I was
obsessed with money and definitely,
ladies. However, I never could figure
out up to recently, why every girl
I have dated up till even today
has been for all but emotional salvation.

Until I dreamt of her again,
I should mention that I cannot
remember most of my
dream-land adventures.
However, my mind has not permitted
that I forgot dreams with this one
important person.

Thursday, 6th May 2010.
2 days ago, I once again saw this
exact same person.
It is perhaps an understatement
to say that I do not support
relationships. Despite my
disapproval, in every dream
with her, we are in a relatiionship.
I began to realise that maybe,
just maybe, my whole ideal
image of a woman is projected
in this girl.

It puzzles even me as to
how this image came about,
but I never am able to remember
her face. All that I know is that
she bears no resemblance to
anyone I've ever seen or met.
She seemed almost celstial to me,
everytime I see her,
my mood soars to altitudes I cannot
begin to describe.

The prelude is over
and the story has only begun.
Unfortunately, I'm beginning
to feel like I might have
accidently written too much.

As to when I would percive
the next post to be written.
that's for me to know...

2010-04-15T12:05:00.002+08:00

"I loved her simply because I found her irresistible.
I knew my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all; I loved her none the less because I knew it, and it had no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed her to be human perfection."

Can you tell?
Too shy to speak,
too cold to hold,
with sleeves too short to wear our hearts on,
we sit around, stoned in silence
and steal stares at each other
and scrunch our faces asking "what?"
which is always met with a "nothing"
with a smile.

"What?"
"Nothing."

Is Religion a Lie?

2010-02-23T23:52:00.002+08:00

"Do Miracles take away Freewill?"

A video i happened to chance upon
on youtube by a user called "FightingAtheist"

i happen to agree with this user.
however i hope the audience would understand
that these words although insensitive
should be taken into consideration,
as students we should broaden our minds.

"What is freewill? The American Heritage dictionary defines freewill as: Done of one's own accord or voluntary. Freewill basically means you have a choice.
What is a Miracle? The American Heritage dictionary defines a miracle as: An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God.
Do miracles take away freewill? If you were to see someone turn water into wine, would you believe they had magical powers? Would you have a choice? Does just seeing the act take away your freewill to choose what you believe? If a man showed you holes in his hands, and claimed he was crucified, does this automatically make you a believer, or can you still choose not to believe he was crucified? You still have the ability to ask questions and search for more evidence.
The obvious answer is that miracles do not take away freewill. We are able to continue making choices unless someone or something takes away our freewill. Losing freewill could be done by some sort of mind control, or physical force.
If a god appeared to the world and performed miracles that every person could see, and told everyone to bow down and worship him, everyone would still have freewill and the ability to say no. The miracles do not take away freewill. They are simply evidence of the power of that god or of some deception. For our freewill to be taken, the god would have to use some sort of mind control that would cause people to lose the ability to choose, or force us physically to bow down.
An argument could be made that seeing the god is taking away our freewill to believe in its existence. This argument makes a little sense but, seeing the god does not take away the choice between worshiping the god, and disregarding it. We could still make decisions, based on freewill as to whether or not we think the god is good, evil, or fake. We could still choose not to worship it.

A common argument used by religious people is "God can not appear before us. If he did, that would take away our freewill to believe in him." But belief in a god does not make you one of his sheep. It is obedience to that god, following its commands, and worshiping that god. Belief that the god exist does not automatically make you a part of the special "in crowd" nor does it get you a place in paradise, 72 virgins, reincarnation, or whatever superstitious afterlife that god promises.

So why would a god, that supposedly loves everyone, not appear to us and show some undeniable miracles to help people convert? We know that his appearance and miracles would not take away freewill. We would still be free to not worship. A loving god would do whatever he could to save his children from hell, even if it included appearing and showing miracles daily.

Believing in a god based on no evidence and then claiming the lack of evidence is because more evidence would take away freewill is simply not true. No evidence exists because there is no god and no hell. Take peace in knowing you don't have to live your life with the false hope of heaven and the fear of hell. "

So much time left for regret.

2009-12-12T06:46:00.002+08:00

Does it ever occur to anyone,
that somehow we all have our own skeletons
and all it takes is that when something dies
bury it all up and celebrate its life.

if im gonna get to personal feelings,
which might be the first of which ive revealed
im absolutely shaking in fear right now,
for the people around me, for myself.

what confuses me the most is how
everytime something happens,
it gets pulled into a whole chain reaction,
like raining is not enough,
there must be typhoons.

regretting is inevitable,
facing mistakes, whether drugged,
intoxicated, or rash,
anything that constitutes to bad decisions.
will definately be a bitch.
what defines a person's character
is the ability or inability
to right the wrongs.

we as humans possess an ability
a capacity to think, filter and
make choices entirely out of free will.
it is inate, and simple, that everyone
can decide things for themselves,
so what makes a human drive
him/herself to desolation and suicide.

although it might be true that
one cannot live without embracing
suicide or crime. however,
it does not justify the need to
truely carry the act out,
that's what our vessels of
grey matter are for.

alcohol and/or drugs fogs up the mind,
the only reason one will consider
actually carrying out these insane
thoughts. i beseech anyone to never
never ever allow themselves a
chance to die.
any human no matter how discontented
should always remember what they
deeply desire. "i should want to live"

suicide,
if anything, it causes everyone around
who cares to break apart,
as long as a single person in any
closed group departs this godforsaken
world, the whole group will be dealt a
heavy blow, that causes the bonds formed
between them to be severly damaged.

nobody has to say goodbye prematurely
and nobody has the right to.
no matter how deep rooted your regrets are.
we all have to face some shit now or than,
but in the end, lift your head up,
tuck in your stomach and
strut like the warrior we all are.

we should live

Quote.

2009-11-19T18:06:00.002+08:00

you know, being of this age. we often argue with our parents. but then sometimes, if we don't say what we want to say, im afraid, one day it'll be too late to admit we don't see eye to eye

"Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K."

- Mike + the Mechanics

Plain, simple and forgotten

2009-11-09T04:43:00.002+08:00

It is a pretty irrevocable fact that
everyone has their own secrets.
That truthful figure of ourselves
as humans of virtue we painted
is nothing more than a beautiful
lie we created to give us
that comfort that we so long for
in truth. Where we would be
able to bask in the light.

Unfortunately, the hypocrite
that we as humans have the
capacity to cultivate in ourselves
forces us to do some - things -
the most basic is to put on
a new mask, the mask that which
abolishes all the responsibility to
explain our actions even to ourselves.

for example, when a
person does something against his
desires for the pleasure or
acceptance of another, he
would then automatically
explain it as an act of loyalty.
but he forgets to be loyal
to his heart.

slowly, inch by inch,
seconds over seconds,
this person will begin to lose
himself in all his own web of lies
but for how long?
a web is made by thin
connecting lines and all it takes
is just some gale and it might
all end up all gone with the wind.

a person may be able to live in
this web for days, weeks, months
or even years before it starts
to tear apart.
while it might be true that he can
try to patch it up or add more layers
but it is but only a matter of time.
before a wind that will be much too
powerful comes along and disintegrates
the entire web, leaving him
to question his own truth again.

When the person finally figures
that he has forgotten himself
and simply cannot turn back time
he knows he has to move on.
but yet, he has lost too many things.
and most importantly, he has lost
the last 4 years.

will he continue to live in this
artificial happiness he made for himself
to think that he is satisfied as long as
he knows, that one person he
wanted acceptance from
is contented with his results and
the meaningless fruits of labour
he would painfully and dutifully
reap. or will he leave?

will i live this lie?

"and above all else, be truthful to thine ownself"

Stupidity

2009-09-17T03:04:00.002+08:00

when for the whole of my sad existence
i've been trying to be "myself"
i took so long to stop and notice:
staring at me, the self has became
a reflection of other's expectations.
what's the worst part of it all is that
this is an incomplete reflection,
i have failed to live in the dreams
that others wanted to live..
i have failed my mom.

the stupid thing is that,
parents always force their kids to
finish their unfinished dreams,
claiming it's "for the kids' good"..
what the hell is that?
some lousy excuse....

now many parents wonder why
their kids lie to them?
if they ever want to blame anyone,
blame the media,
blame education, blame superiors
or whatever, that we have started
formulating our own ideals
and to destroy the hopes of these
is akin to tearing up our hearts.
much like the effects of our disobediance
to them.

yes. I BLAME SOCIETY
I BLAME EDUCATION
and the sole purpose of its existance,
IDUSTRIALISATION
and its fucking growing demands..
we are bred and born to learn, my ass.
its the rich and powerful
who needed workers...
that's the reason why educational
institutions came about..
and the few people who
manage to break out of the
cycle of poverty,
its not thanks to education
its thanks to 'heart',
the passion to stop conforming..
that's how they "made it"....
not by studying. shitheads

*sorry. this is just my opinion.

It's time for men to speak.

2009-05-14T22:04:00.003+08:00

First of all, I'd like people to stop wondering
why the hell the title is '...for men...' instead of
'...for women...' the answer is simple, just read on.
I'm pretty confident that some people out there
already know why but are too lazy to speak up.

I understand that i might have already written
something about this topic; about how women
should stop whining and begging for equality
like their pathetic lives hold nothing
more to be squabbling with men about.

BUT

I do happen to have more to say.
Women who have so sold themselves to the
theories of feminism are clueless.
Women who sell ideas of feminism are
oblivious to the differences between men and women
and are most likely to be smelly, smoking, alcoholic
and as maddox says, they have "unshaven armpits."
Well, they arent so bad, they just need education.

Let me add that feminism, is a ----ing LIE.
If you need to know, there is no such thing as
chauvinism either. Also, "Lesbian" is a term
created by incoherent women who know
nothing about themselves nor men in fact, all of the
above mentioned terms are invented by them.

I'm sick of all these bullshit.
Women keep complaining about how they are treated.
What about guys? Now, women know about their
stupid wrong "rights" and are abusing it.
While guys who so love their women are losing
every single bit of their pride to let women have their ways!
It's time for men to speak! My fellow civillised people,
let me reach out to you. Think back and look through
history, do men really owe women that much?

Back when women were not educated,
families stuck together due to dependence.
But no, we had to change that, alright.
We did so with not much complaints,
and they were educated and given a chance.
Fastforward till today, ignoring everything else
that men have been trying to compromise,
women are still complaining, going
on and on about non-existant discrimination
on the fairer sex! Now, thanks to the
endless complaints, the recession has
affectted guys much worse than girls.
If you dumb whores still think it's due
to your efforts, let me tell you this,
for a fact, it is because you keep complaining!
and the bosses don't want to have to
deal with your unfounded accusations,
not one or two but
hundreds of them...
if you dont get what you want,
you keep going at it dont you?

now don't me wrong. that's not the end.
i have enough to fill up a book with
but i'll stop for today and you can reflect on it.
im sorry if this affects anyone badly.
Its just my thoughts, my opinion.
but i still think. girls, you might
take this as a differing set of thoughts
and try to reconsider ever listening to feminists

Man

2009-02-20T00:06:00.002+08:00

it was said "All the world's a stage;
and all men and women, merely players"
and if it were true, then every part of our
very meaningless lives are just filled
with bits and pieces of our different faces.

that then brings us to hypocrisy.
how many of us truly mean what we say?
Humans can never be the same,
we all change, to fit into the situation
that's survival instinct.
and should we accidently bump
into situations that actually require sacrifice,
most of the time, it isn't gonna be oneself
that will be put on the sacrificial alter.

we're going through, in my opinion,
phases, different acts and scenes hold different
details and characters.
and thus, we react differently.
but it never is truely what we want to say.
is it?

then, i was recently told
"you can never expect things to bend your way"
i took the liberty to behave as i always thought i should
i rebutted quite impulsively.
"then one day it will."

think about it, im non-conformist.
i never believed in rules that cannot bend.
of course i must admit, i have to pay the price.
when it comes down to the real deal,
there're too many people who just conform,
to me, weaklings, who don't like what they're in for
but will follow suit just to get past life.

is that what people are?
the only person who's true to himself/herself
is the person who set the rules.
i'm not going to set my life to meaningless
rules and regulations. no, not me.
and im urging people to join me in my ideals
to once again listen to themselves.
and do what they think is right.

if we keep sticking to orders,
we stick to routines. and yes.
the analogy of
"the van named routine"
it might be comfortable;
you're never going to be ahead.
think for yourself and decide.
if you're even on this blog,
then something has brought you here.

aim to succeed, not to survive.
for we only have this one life,
don't live in the shadows of others
and end up dying like you've never lived

Examinations

2008-09-11T00:17:00.002+08:00

Well, recently, -or for a very long time-
i havent been updating. Because i was too busy.
this may sound like an excuse but i had much
more important things than to fill up space on this blog.

anyways, i got to go. well, to people who actually read
this blog, i promise to update once exams are over
and throughout the hols~! thank you~

BPC

2008-05-08T23:38:00.002+08:00

In the Singapore Statutes,
Under "Children & Young Persons Act",
Chapter 38, Section 50,
power of parent or guardian to bring
child or young person before juvenille court
it states that,
[ (1) Where the parent or guardian of a child or young person proves to a Juvenile Court that he is unable to control the child or young person, the Court, if satisfied —
(a) that it is expedient so to deal with the child or young person; and
(b) that the parent or guardian understands the results which will follow from, and consents to, the making of the order,

may order the child or young person —
(i) to be placed on supervision under the supervision of an approved welfare officer or of some other person appointed for the purpose by the Court for a period not exceeding 3 years; or
(ii) to be sent to an approved home for a period of not less than 2 years and not more than 3 years.
[20/2001]

(2) The provisions of section 49 (5), (6) and (7) shall apply, with the necessary modifications, in respect of an order made by the Juvenile Court under subsection (1) as they apply in respect of an order made by the Juvenile Court under section 49 (1).
[20/2001]

(3) The Juvenile Court may, on the application of the Director, a protector or the parent or guardian of any child or young person in respect of whom an order under subsection (1) has been made, vary or discharge the order if the Court is satisfied that it is in the best interests of the child or young person to do so. ]-http://statutes.agc.gov.sg/non_version/html/homepage.html

Now, this whole chunk of information,
may give you deeper understanding on
the subject of 'beyond parental control'

but, who's to decide whether the child
had intentions to go against his parents
or whether the child knew of what was
the consequences that he had to face
besides the common nagging, grounding, etc.

recently, an article was published,
on the 19th of march, 2008,
on the New Paper,
sensationalising the common use of
this particular law, albiet too common perhaps,
saying that the youngest victim of such
reckless use of the nation's legislation
was only 7 great years of age.

his crime; not liking school and refusing
to go to school. now, tell me, how many
of us like it on the first year of primary school?
look at the vast amounts of little faces tearing
on the first day of school and tell me that they
love the school to bits on their first entry to school.
if you can do that, perhaps you had better recieve
a slap on your face. think about your own experience.

if the judgement of him, being beyond control is
left to the decision of the mother, then can i just
say, that parents growing awareness of such
a law is leading to the abuse of the legislation.
there is no law that leaves the child a chance to speak,
even if the childrens' society tries to resolve
parent-child conflicts, the child may not know
how to react and end up appearing rebellious,
leading to settlement in the Juvenille Court.

this section of the Singapore Statutes, should be
repealled or maybe changed to remind parents
that perhaps, the best way to bring their children
up is to take responsibility.

nowadays, parent might lack time to communicate
with their kids, leading to misunderstandings,
and without trying to sound their child out,
they resort to taking refuge in Law,
are parents really making the right choice
by giving up chances to bond with their child
and shaping the child's character?
if a child can so easily become incorrigible in the
eyes of the parents, are the parents really placing
in enough efforts? or are they just seeking
an easier way out than to take sole onus of their
child's behaviour?

Is the government really helping family conditions
by allowing parents to use BPC as a threat or worse,
as a way to push the responsibilities of raising and
morally educating ther children to the government?

i stand for this vague and overused
legislation to be repealled or at least changed
to question the parents' own efforts in trying to
reach their kids instead of questioning the kids
in their ability to conform to orders of their parents
kids have picked up the individualistic mindset
of the current society and it is up to the parents,
not the government to find a way to get them
to listen to their parents.

Freedom

2008-04-01T14:13:00.002+08:00

everybody wants freedom right?
but nobody truely values freedom
like they always say,
freedom is valued only when you
fight for it.

free of control, students become delinquents
free of financial woes, the rich never save
free of burden, the people get lazy

when will humans learn to stop enslaving
themselves by countless amount of fear?
to be truely free, we must free ourselves.

this freedom, can never be attained by force
we cannot fight for this.
unless of course, you describe it as fighting
against yourself.
many days in our lives, we find ourselves
not knowing what to do.
yet when given something to do, we will
complain about the workload,
we are never satisfied with freedom
nor were we satisfied with commitments

yet sometimes, people seem to look down
upon us when we try our best to fit in.
we conform to people's expectations of us
just to have friends
but then, we forget ourselves.

we are enslaved by the desire for company,
companionship. so what if we were alone?
if we can hold our heads high, we are free
from the social norm and lies that we
made ourselves to be, to conform is not exactly
a smart choice because one day, you'd fall,
fall into depression with both legs in the abyss
instead of the usual one leg in the abyss and
the other in dreams

Fear

2008-03-05T13:42:00.004+08:00

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
our deepest fear is that we're powerful beyond measure
it's our light, not out darkness that frightens us the most
your playing small does not serve the world
there's nothing enlightened about shinking
so other people won't feel insecure about you
we are all meant to shine as children do
it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone
and as we let our own light shine
we unconciously give other people
permission to do the same
as we are liberated from our own fear
our presence automatically liberates others
-Timo Cruz, Coach Carter(2005)

Fear is omnipresent, perhaps, even closer
to us than God.
it may even be the reason why we pray.
when we know that all of us are good at somthing
or are outstanding in a certain way, we try hard
to avoid showing off our abilities. the reason being
we dont want to be labelled show offs, we dont want
to stand out or many other reasons.

we want to seem as 'normal' as possible.
so that we have a group of friends just like us,
always around us, thinking that we're just like
them -'normal'- nothing out of the ordinary.

we try so hard that there and then, we become lost
we lose whatever talents or personality we have had,
we get absorbed into the social norm and become
deindividualised, we think of our limits as equal,
equal with others and that we can never achieve
incredible feats.

like Timo Cruz in Coach Carter said,
nothing is gained from blending in, to really make
a difference, free yourself of fear,
when you're racing, don't watch your speedometer,
when you're swimming, be one with the fish,
when you're running, look ahead not the ground.
when you're dancing, close your eyes and ignore everyone
that's when you are your best.

and when people around you start to see your brilliance,
they will believe more and more in themselves,
who doesnt want to make a difference,
who wants to die as though they never lived?
take the first step and ignore your fears.

everyone can make a difference.
stop believing in the social norm
start believing in yourself. shine with brilliance

Debates

2008-02-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

people nowadays have to force
me to do this.
why do girls think that if it's not right,
it's wrong.
nope it's not only a few girls,
it's most girls. i swear..

my mom goes "not you wrong then me la!"
what the fuck? i'm trying to tell you why
the hell i cannot go home straight after
school? or perhaps why the hell i get to
go out on saturdays? or perhaps why
the fuck you shouldn't search my bag?

damn it, i'm not trying to find fault with
anyone or place a fault anywhere.
i'm just trying to justify my views.
there is a god damned difference.
a debate is always about an issue in which
people can never find a solid answer for
it's questions like "can a mom search her
kid's bag?"

if you say yes, then i'd say what about
the kid's privacy and feelings when he
finds his mom can't trust him?

OR

if you said no, then i'd ask what about
the mom? won't she want to know her
kid well enough when the kid won't open
up to her?

see, either way, no one's wrong. idiots.
when i debate with girls over issues,
they happen to think i think i'm right.
god fuck you. whoever said i'm right.
when you guys say "ya ya, you win"
you know how stupid it sounds?
i agree only to piss you off. shit.
i get pissed too when you keep saying
i'm right. cause i don't want to be right

it sounds dumb to say that, but you
just don't get the picture. it isn't
right or wrong.

this is not your science homework,
there are no such things as set answers
this is life. that's why we have our arts,
and that's why your history, geog, lit,
and so-on are subjective. cause there
isn't a right or wrong! almost every
civilisation hates Hitler. but the
germans love him.

are you going to tell the germans they
are wrong cause they love him?
there was a side he shows the germans
that we didnt get to see.
he was nervous on stage and his palms
sweat, like a child at a talent time holding
the mic and on stage for the 1st time.
it's not wrong that they respected him.

under him, they prospered. what's the
rest of the world trying to do?
we are trying to prosper too. he managed
to bring prosperity to his people. but
he brought suffering to the jews.
that doesn't mean he was entirely wrong.
he did give the germans a good life.
but the genocide part was off limits.
so was he right? no, but he wasn't wrong.

there, get it? or do i need to further
elaborate that not everything in this world
has a right and wrong?
all debates are meant for are to justify your
views, instead of trying to find right faults,
maybe you should try making your points
sound more reasonable.

if i come of strong at my arguements and
that makes you feel belittled and unrespected
so much so it hurts your SELF-esteem,
please remember it's SELF-esteem, it's
how you look at yourself.

or

if i sound like i'm trying to say i'm right and
everyone else is wrong, please record our
conversations and check at which point
i say "you're wrong and i'm right" unless it
was already a written fact and i had it backed.

open your mind and be level headed.
stop thinking that everything is a set piece
we're not playing true or false, we're going
through life as humans and there isn't a
right or wrong

god damned i got loads of free time

maybe too much. so much that

i spend too much of it drinking life away

and everytime i get high and my friends

go for a smoke, i suddenly feel like i need

to see someone. who? i'm not able to tell

Perfection

2008-01-24T12:46:00.000+08:00

tell me people, how often do we
wish so much to be perfect without
realising the subtle yet catastrophic
effects of perfection.

i sure am guilty of such sinful desires
of perfection.

but i had an epiphany, i came upon
the understanding that perfection
isn't really wonderful. it is but
a barrier.

if a being is perfect, it would therefore
mean that nothing is better.
not even himself, he cannot improve,
he cannot become better,
simply because he is already perfect.

to say that something is perfect would
mean that it will always stay that way.
don't we all see that in order for society
to run, we need to keep improving?

we need to set our sights higher than
the current 'best' and that would mean
that nobody is perfect or will be.
so give up your dreams of perfection
and set your sights to growth and
evolution. be far more ambitious
and live for the moment.

Fables

2007-12-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

Every fable has it's morals.
but we all so readily duck them.

we only love the thrill of an
adventure but hate moral lessons

there. animal farm is written in
with the masterful mechanics
of George Orwell who makes
it look as though he was only
personifying animals.
but he was actually writing about
humans.

in the Bard's play, there often are
jesters, wise men whom say
things that seem to make no sense
[or so you thought]
but they are actually relaying the
morals of the story across to us
or the characters in the play.

they are fabulists and are never
popular. the fabulist in Hamlet,
the fool, disappeared and in other
plays, they either got beheaded
or recieved punishment
for telling people in authority
what they need to know but
didn't enjoy knowing.
see, they are never popular.

"being a fabulist is a thankless
job"-William Golding, Lord
of the Flies

then, we need fabulists,
just like haters, can you imagine a
world without haters?
there will be nobody to keep
complaining to governments
about how much their policy sucks,
nobody to notice certain facts
missed out.
you need haters

and you need morals

The final word, truth

2007-12-24T00:56:00.000+08:00

what's lost and what's gained?
nothing.

this was one hell of a year,
but it only made the world seem colder.
if somebody thinks it's really easy
to keep this kinda life,
that must be goddarned rich or
simply ignorant.

just barely past a month and
there goes $2000, try it.
if everything seems like there's
hope in it, im sorry, you're wrong

it's what you chose to believe in.
personally, i don't really believe in
happiness anymore.

im on a joyride of death and i don't
wish to take anyone with me.
i just can't do it.

can't believe that people think
i'm leading a kind of carefree life,
everyday, i worry about how things
may turn out. and it's always
far from positive.

when all the negetive thoughts
come at you like an opprobrious
father, where do you have to run?

i take it all in, like a vacuum;
you have to suck up
all the shit and dead cockroaches
but all people do is leave you
in a corner till they find more shit
and they kick you around
cause you are an obstruction.

yeah. that's life.

try to picture that.

Genesis

2007-12-12T20:30:00.000+08:00

where do all these come from?

when you start to realise that
everything you've probably stood for
starts to fall apart, can you stop it?

the future was never written in stone,
or was it?

come to think about it, you've always
wanted to be a free man,
and a free man always have choices.

you may have wanted to avoid certain
things. but your destiny seems to say
otherwise. what's destiny?

when you say you have no choice,
is it real? you always have choices,
even when at gunpoint,
you can say, "shoot me"
but you chose to follow orders.

your destiny is not decided,
people can always change the course
of events, people can always decide.

but then, most of us screw up anyway.

(thick brown wrappings of tobacco leaves,
a glass surrounded by warm water filled
with crystal clear brown liquid - enjoyment, not?)

"i'm standing on the edge of time

i walked away when love was mine

caught up in a world of uphill climbing

the tears are in my mind

and nothing is rhyming, oh mandy.

well you came and you gave without taking

but i sent you away, oh mandy"

Rehab

2007-12-07T05:06:00.000+08:00

leaves of wormwood and a shot of absinthe.
this is enjoyment, or is it?

Few darned days

2007-12-04T00:57:00.000+08:00

Friend: Haiix... Why? Why is happiness always gone?
Me: That's because we try too hard
Friend: Did i do anything wrong?
Me: ...
Friend: Tell me. Please, why is it so fucked up?
Me: No. Nobody did anything wrong.
It's just that nothing goes right.
That's why we're always in pursuit
Remember? The pursuit of happiness
Friend: Then tell me, why is it that everything
would go wrong and people love to find
something to blame?
Me: Cause it makes them happy that they aren't
at fault.
Friend: Haiix..

She's out there now, she has her own two feet

you know that it might be a facade.

but you still have to give yourself more time.

your god given apology will not save anything.

if losing this friend makes her happier,

then lose her. say your piece when you're ready

and let her decide what's next.

Make it real

2007-12-02T18:22:00.000+08:00

Something is missing.
something important.
(im sorry)
during the transitioin,
if ever anyone was at fault,
then the fault be the confused.
(i really am)
but the one whom hadn't kept
parting promises would also
be at fault.
(i love you)
friends she had claimed to be
now, stangers would do better.
what more could he provide?
only a sorry and true feelings
(just that im not ready for anything)
yes, he could blame everyone
but himself he too could blame
nothing is wrong in this world
'cept for humans and their misery.
(so i guess, this is goodbye)
his time is running out,
he needs some of it to get things done
but she couldnt give him a little more
he only wanted to let her choose,
she chose the distance.
(je t'aime)
now no one is being blamed here,
just a weighing of incidents.
and an explaination of a plot and
storyline of a probable hatred to come

The corner of war and peace

2007-11-30T03:33:00.000+08:00

What exactly do you define as peace?
or what do you consider is war?

here's the story of a boy,
a boy whom fought for his dreams
but wound up hurt and lost.
A boy who has lost all motivation

he wanted peace but no one knew,
that kind of peace that he longed for,
can be provided.

he knew something was wrong,
he swore he started out at the wrong foot,
but he persevered,
he drove on thinking that mistakes
could be corrected if he walked tall.

he is at war with his mind
and his heart is not an ally.
in this battle, he took sides with his heart,
he tried his best to win this war.
yet again, he realised that
this war, could not be won,
his heart has betrayed him.

he was blind, he was blinded by
his lust for peace in his soul.
who could blame him?
everyone wants a better life.

it was a cold night, the rain was
pouring. he saw and witness the
struggles of a soul,
he was told to keep her warm.
he should have minded his business.
but his desire for humane touch
and his heart, brought him warm.

he allowed himself to be immersed
in the warmth of a beating heart,
the warmth his heart could not give.
this feeling so great, his mind was
clogged.

the rain miraculously ceased,
he then heard voices of his fears,
he had failed to remove them.
he was crashing, he wanted to run
this time, for real, he had to run,
to a place where no one could find him
and he had left in a heartbeat,
without so much of a word,
his shillouette would soon disappear.

"She calls out to the man on the street,

'sir can you help me?

It's cold and i've nowhere to sleep

is there someplace you can tell me?'

He walks on, doesn't look back

he pretends he can't hear her.

Starts to whistle as he crosses the street

seems embaressed to be there."

Rhythm, Music

2007-11-28T15:02:00.000+08:00

Nature creates itself in rhythms,
when things move in rhythms, they create sounds.
sounds in rhythm is music
the soul of the world.

Lapse of Memory

2007-11-27T03:25:00.000+08:00

Who is that?

I ask again, who is that?

Why does it feel so different now that I think about it?
I mean how often do you suddenly feel that overnight,
you get this rush of change and suddenly, you are a
stranger again?
It happened once too many this year, hell no, this month.
I happen to have guessed the outcome of everything,
let us now try to give your life a complete assesment,

-you currently have your family and 1 person you'd trust.
-you don't want to talk to your family.
-you are no longer ready to bring an extra person in.
-you just realised and now you feel like shit.
-you no longer know how to even express yourself'
-you don't want to cause misery but it increases the pain

that's what you are. that's who that is, just a stranger,
but get to know him,
you'd most probably hate him and look at him
judgementally but oh well, that's how life is,
he has to start, all over again

underneath the words

2007-11-12T11:25:00.000+08:00

you knew this would happen.
but you'd never expect it to happen so soon
i knew you guys would make my guess true
what does life hold for you now?
a million more bad suprises
i knew we couldnt be friends foreva
it's not over.

a prayer found during the war:

Lord, when you come in your glory,
do not only remember the men of good
remember too the men of evil

On the day of judgement,
do not remember only the acts of
cruelty, inhumanity and acts of
violence that they carried out,
but remember too the fruits that they
produced in us because of what they
did to us.

Remember the patience, courage,
brotherly love, humanity, generosity
of spirit and faithfulness that
our executioners awoke in our souls.

And then Lord, may those fruits be
used to save the souls of those
men of evil

The meaning is clear.

2007-10-28T13:35:00.000+08:00

read between the lines

well past these few days things havent been
absolutely the best for you.
i am a loser
things were never the best.
i've never been great at anything
have you learnt that you would never get
what you wanted?
my life is absolutely not wonderous
somethings are more or less against you
but you can only count on you
my soul is dreanched in despair
nobody is going to help you pick your crap
up. absolutely nobody
i am not pessimistic but rather a realist
i know life hurts more than you want it to
i know you are hiding from it
i know the extent of my failure in life
i know you wish you had never met them
cause now to you, your life is in a mess
why are you avoiding me?
what more do you think can happen
there is no absolute solution
why are you not replying me?
death is not the opposite of life but more
the end of life. there is no opposite
why are you running?
how are you gonna prove that you're not
the guy they think you are?
running and disappearing
there is no way. but if you keep taking a
passive stand, no one's going to be by you
when im the one which no one loves
just like what's happening now. your
friends, they are one by one disappearing
you all care yah. but you dont love
you are now cycling on a completely untouched
road.. and people are more and more afraid to
follow
you guys leave me to my own devices
yes, you are leaving your life, you emotions
are a rage, you cant control yourself anymore
you guys dont feel my pain
you are on the verge of explotion, and no one
seems to notice right?
im somebody who doesnt feel?
is there no way you can salvage the situation?
im someone who is blind?
are you agreeable to the way you are treating
yourself?
please note, im more than you think
you dont want to blame anyone. so you take
all the freaking blame by making your life
worse.
im not angry
are you trying to be bloody smart?
rather, im lost
you trip on everyone and you piss them off
im losing my senses
dont you want anyone to stand with you?
dont you want company?
im struggling to get out
is it really that hard to trust yourself when
no one wants to trust you?
i want to see the light again
since it has gotten to this point, only you know
what's best and you have to take care
i need to go back to where i started
dont allow yourself to waver. why are you
still so shaking mad?

Life

2007-10-05T19:24:00.000+08:00

starting off with something off the topic:

if a person wants you,
nothing can keep he/her from you

if a person doesnt want to stay,
nothing can make him/her stay

stop making excuses for him/her
and their behavior

heart breaks last as long
and cut as deep as you allow them to

the challenge,
is not to survive heart breaks,
but to learn from them

when it rains, look for the rainbow.

Back to the topic at hand:

i cant tell you what's the purpose of life,
but i can tell you what's the general way
that people choose to live life in,
your purpose, can be determined that way.

you know about the same old way of saying,
'make your life worth living?'
OR
'you only got one lifetime, live it to the fullest'
but nobody ever tells you how huh?

so some people decided,
they wanna live happily,
some just chose to find the truth of existance,
the truth of life.
and there are those, the majority of them,
the reason why the world is a lousy place.

the happy people, the way they live is very
special, they live without a past, without
a future, they find no meaning, they need
no reasons, no explainations.
they can find some cheer in everything,
grinning with unrestrained mirth,
as though life had never presented them
with a setback, as if life, is all giving
and the world is this unbelivably
beautiful and wonderous place.
their purpose in life is to cheer others up,
their purpose in life is to find happiness
in things that are but only illusions
that are in their hearts.

life dangles, happiness on her left hand,
and meaning on her right,
left-the hand of creativity
right-the hand of job and hardwork
those that choose to live just cause they
are breathing, decide to steal a little
from both hands.

life insists, that meaning and happiness
are two separate roads, once you have
chosen the path of meaning, you can
never turn back. the road of happiness
however, has many one way doors,
you can always choose to leave the road
of happiness and go to the path of
meaning or the path of those who live
just because they're born into the world.

when you take the path of meaning,
you have to be able to carry the past,
no matter how dark and look at the future
no matter how bleak. your present,
is just a transition state. you might
become lodged at a point and no matter
what, if you cannot find an explaination,
you will not let the matter rest, you're
usually insecure, appearing strong and
arrogant on the outside, you will cease to
be the real you. your personality is almost
so unpredictable since you care confused
even by yourself.
your purpose in life, is to guide or
to find the reason of your own existance.
and to hide your true face from the world

and for those who live just to live,
you're never wrong in your eyes,
you criticise and complain, you never
give others a way out, everything they
do or say that you are unfamiliar with,
are treated as lies and exaggeration
to you. you dont bother to look for
explainations in things that are not
easily understandable, you try to
find happiness but all you see is just
abit of humour. you are the kind of
person who has a personality that you
and others like yourself consider unique
but see each other as friends who are
arrogant but agree with each other
when you are criticising others.
you are conditioned to the 'dog eat
dog' situation, you're double edged.
your sole purpose in living is to live
like you'd never die and to die like
you've never lived.

i know this post is going to create
alot of controversy, alot of disagreement
but this is my writing space man..
let me abuse it. thanks

Trust

2007-09-25T22:59:00.000+08:00

Distrust is the confident expectation that another
individual's motives, intentions, and behaviours
are sinister to one's own interest. distrust auto-
matically makes take steps to reduce our
"vulnerability".

Due to it's destructive nature, we must view
this phenomenon with much care and see how
it can be managed efficiently.

oh yes, to deal with something, we must also
know how it functions, distrust, the lack of trust,
whatever you'd like to call it all means, not trusting,
it is often due to stereotypical and judgemental
views which are, more often than not, flawful
views. even when the distrusted party tries
to amend, it is often met by skeptisim and
sometimes, hostility.

in the case of promises, when a party breaks a
promise, the other might probably lose faith
or trust in him. this guy, decides to make amends
but after being rejected, he might decide
to just give up and continue breaking more promises.
in such cases, distrust increases frequency of
violation and causes even more distrust.

there are two sides to distrust,
good side: functional distrust
bad side: dysfunctional distrust

Functional:
there have been cases where we trust people
to be upright in character and not betray us
but we were indeed betrayed, this form
of distrust, helps us to keep our defences up,
to remain vigilant to protect ourselves.

Dysfunctional:
distrusting also has extremes, and these
are nothing to be jumping for joy to. when
distrust is at it's extreme, it leads to paranoia,
an obessesion for the subject to find a reason
to every single action of the distrusted, this
leads to overactive imaginations and a faulty
judgement of character. the subject will most
likely show his distrust and get treated
equally, which will cause a buildup of
animosity and even more distrust.

that's just backgound where it involves two
parties or more..
but what happens when it's someone whom
you know too well? when it's just one party?
all these still apply, it only means that
you are too judgemental on yourself,
you refuse to allow yourself to experience
and do things without an explaination..
correct me if im wrong.. i highly doubt it,
if you are telling me you cannot trust yourself,
ive been through that, and i know what
it exactly feels like. you tell yourself not to
do some things or to do some things but,
you might have broken these promises before
therefore you lose faith in yourself and
when you try to gain faith again, you have no
will to do so, you are worried that you will make
the same mistakes and you refuse to give
yourself a chance.. that's how it usually goes
that's what makes you lose faith in yourself
and as the faith is gone, the trust fades..

most of the time, logic and emotions dont
agree.. but you need to know which to
follow.. i know there are sayings of the
heart being treacherous but, treachery
is a blow that can only come unknowingly.
if you knew your heart well enough,
it can never be treacherous.. and if you
want to get to know it, you have to trust
it. without knowledge, we can survive,
without emotions, we cannot function as
per nomal. why do i say such?
ever heard that
human empathy is one of the strongest
feelings?
9/11, countless people who had gone,
the world was taken aback, the world when
only a fraction of these people are related
to those who were victimised.. that's how
the victims continued to have hope,
with the comfort and condolences from
people they dont know, they feel that
the world has so much more to offer them,
the FEEL but they dont KNOW..
another point.

whatever it is,
when you cant trust, you cant love..
when you cant love yourself, you cant
love others...

love yourself, for the sake of a better
world.. for love, can change a person.
and if everyone of us make an effort
to better ourselves, the world will be
such a better place.

if all of us learnt to trust, and want
to be trusted, there would be no
betrayal.. but as humans, we have a
long way to go.. lets try to shorten
this time.

Dedication

2007-09-20T23:29:00.000+08:00

you're a falling star, you're the getaway car.
you're the line in the sand when i go too far
you're the swimming pool, on an August day
and you're the perfect thing to say.

and you can play it coy, but it's kinda cute
ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what to do
baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true
cause you can see it when i look at you.

[chorus:]
And in this crazy life, and through this crazy times
it's you, it's you, you make me sing
you're every line, you're every word, you're everything

you're a carousel, you're a wishing well
and you light me up, when you ring my bell
you're a mystery, you're from outer space
you're every minute of my everyday

and i can't believe, that i'm your man
and i get to kiss you baby just because i can
whatever comes our way, we'll see it through
and you know that's what our love can do

[chorus:]

so, La la la la la la la
So, La la la la la la la

[chorus:]

you're every song, and i sing along
cause you're my everything
yeah, yeah

Despair

2007-09-19T22:35:00.000+08:00

a shell vacant, lost in despair
a heart torn loose that needs repair
mind is gone, no eyes to see
transparent... all but these memories

i dont know how to explain this.
i just like this phrase. seems nice, and it serves
as a reminder to why people cant let go and
still call it love.. it's only cause your memories
are still there, the only thing that reminds you
of another party is memory.. in a few months,
you might have already forgotten his face but,
you still claim to love the ex.

big mistake.
you still love the memories that's all.

when you started to know him and feel the
attraction, it's because of animal nature to
procreate, you then start to form memories
with him, you start to shape bonds,
you realise he doesnt fall short of your expectations,
but, some time later, you have to breakup
because, the romance fell short of yours and
his expectations.. you then try to forget him
but you still kept the memories and you dont realise
that you have already forgotten him.. but
you love the memories and so you think you love the
person who made these memories with you...

that's how it is, since the start.. girls,
wake up.. you dont love your ex's anymore,
you love the memories..

tired of sob stories about how you still love him
so much but you had to break up..
that's one problem with humans, our tendancy
to get so mixed up with things..
it makes us look dumb.. please, think properly,
dont keep allowing your anguish to keep you
in despair...

Regret

2007-09-13T21:44:00.000+08:00

have you ever, regretted an action of yours?

My friend Fernando, asked me to give my opinion
to an SMS he had, and it went like this.
"it's not possible to live a life w/o regrets.
cos we're human, thus imperfect and prone to
making mistakes. i think it's okay to regret
doing something as long as we learn not to
repeat the mistake. it's not possible to forget
or ignore something that's a part of you.
that made you who you are, and that's essentially
what regrets are. so, it's time we learn from a
regretful mistake and work towards becoming a
better person."

well said, but no offences meant,
through and through, i only agree that we as
human as we can be, are imperfect and
are prone to mistakes.

if we were anymore self-respecting,
we'd understand that regrets are not supposed
to be in our dictionary. learn from mistakes,
yes, but regretting your actions, no.

let me put it out to you that your actions
are usually made by considering many various
options. you pick the one you think is most
suitable to handle your current situation.
dont tell me you dont have a choice,
when you say that, you have already made
your mind up.. you could jolly well have
ignored the possible consequences of other
possible options. you always have choices.

it's the same, you say you regret falling for
the wrong guy, you say you regret stealing,
you claim to have regretted your mistakes
but if you did regret them, you weren't
placing all your heart into it were you?
if you are truly passionate about your work,
and what you are doing, don't ever regret
doing anything, right or wrong is much
just a matter of perception, so there is no
such thing such as a mistake, never ever
allow someone else to tell you what you've
done is error on your part, that's bullshit.
only you and you alone can judge your
doings and the manifestation of your actions.

And let's say you consider your actions
wrong, then don't you realise that we,
as humans are too guilty of degrading
ourselves so much that we can only see with
accuracy when we make mistakes but will
rarely notice when we have done something
considerably noble?
i know this is more or less out of point but,
if we can all regret what went wrong, why
not propose something where we will be
awarded for every minor good we have done?

learning from mistakes does not include
regrets, cause regretting is like "chewing
gum to solve an extremely difficult math
question"
when i make it sound blunt, regretting is
somewhat alike to wallowing in self-pity.
but learning from mistakes does not require
wallowing in self-pity does it?

just make amends and carry on, as Avinash
says, 'if you look upon bad consequences
as a result of your actions, you will realise
that you kinda earned it, then there is no
longer a regret.' it's kinda like how you take
money for granted when you have lots of
cash when you just have to stretch out your
hands. but when you earned it, you cherish
it, that's like results of your actions, when
you actually earned them, you will not regret it,
you will remember them and do things
differently when you meet a similar situation.

in life, there is no absolute, so there is no
cause for regrets, it's just a nice word.
forgive yourself before you can be forgiven.
you don't know love, til you love yourself.

"above all else, guard your heart, for it's the wellspring of life" - Proverbs 4:23

A tribute to all the nice guys!

2007-09-08T22:19:00.000+08:00

Written by: Oscar Baldo
Date Written: 29/10/05

This is a tribute to the nice guys
The ones that always finish last
Those who are never more than friends
The one who understood girls in the past

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Who lasts hours filled with disappoint
To listen to the girl whine about arseholes
While disproving the very point

This is a tribute to the nice guys
The ones that compliments the miss
Not to get her to go out with him
But just to lift her spirit with bliss

This is a tribute to the nice guys
With open minds and an honest concern
The one that respects every facet
The one who needs nothing in return

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Who escort their drunken female friends
The one who wouldn't take advantage
Just so their friendship wouldn't end

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Who plays by the rules in a game
Even when that game favors cheaters
His actions are always the same

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Who accompany girls to bars as a buffer
To protect her with everything he has
Against the others so she won't suffer

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Boyfriend material is what he's named
Yet a few dozen failed relationships
After scratches, his heart starts to maim

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Those who are manipulated and misled
The guys who are unjustly abandoned
Never stayed down; jumped back up instead

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Ones who paused Grand Theft Auto 3
Just to reassure that everything is okay
Assisted the helpless girl in a certain degree

This is a tribute to the nice guys
For the times his friend didn't have a date
Still there was nothing serious
The ones that just agrees and never debate

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Those that don't often get enough recognition
The ones that don't get the mate they should
The ones that try to stop this tradition

This is a tribute to the nice guys
Those that heard he's too nice to date
Guys who wait in front of the bathroom
Just so she wouldn't be the only one late

This is a tribute to the nice guys
The one that tries to find the perfect girl
Even trickier, to find those that are single
This is for you, may your future unfurl

This is a tribute to the nice guys
For every time someone said we're just friends
This poem is for all you guys out there
This is a payment for my amends

This is a tribute to the nice guys
For all the faceless, nameless defenders
My accolades and gratitude goes out to you
Just never forget to never surrender

Fading grace

2007-09-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

Even if it's just for one moment,
embrace me in your arms
when it gets cold, be there to keep me warm

Even if it's just for one moment,
breath life into me, resurrect me,
show me there's still hope for me.

Even if it's just for one moment,
touch me, kiss me, love me,
reignite the passion within me.
just whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
take me away, i dont care where

Even if it's just for one moment,
make me forgetl; take this chance
to show me a world full of romance.
hold me even when the sun sets,
take me down memory lane
to the 1st day we met.

Even if it's just for one moment,
lets take our friendship to the next level,
in this moment, allow us to lose ourselves.

Even if it's just for one moment,
i'll trade it all, bring me
out of this loneliness,
surround me with happiness,
even if it's just for one moment,
i promise you, i'll treasure this moment.

it isnt written be me..
but well.. it's really nice..
really, Kampfen found this and thought it
suited him.. i hope you will see this..

Me: on the brink of death
lying on a bed of roses
wondering why it hurts

thorns through the flesh
hooking up through the petals
isnt enough to pierce the heart

this suffering is endless
why are you still hanging tough?
why wouldnt let me end this?

Kampfen: remember your words,
stand by them like i do,
you said to never close your eyes,
know what you are against.

"closing your eyes are akin to
your opponent would want your eyes shut,
they have an easy target"
thats how you taught me to fight

dont forget you also said
"fighting is like living life"
remeber those words?
live by them like i do..

dont let me die, let me live,
let me continue feeling the pain,
dont let me down,
continue the suffering and living
at least living in pain is better
than dying far before you are dead

Masochist

2007-09-03T00:58:00.000+08:00

the mind is breaking, heart is tearing up,
feeling extremely dellusional..
hysterical, you know why,
you dont know how it feels, you dont
know how distant it feels,
you dont know how much
the longing for someone breaks resolve up

what went wrong?
please, please tell him, he needs to know.
look at him.. he's ruining himself,
not when he just felt again,
not when he just dusted his heart
and placed it once more in himself..

i know, i know he failed to be there
once, just that once,
but at the rate he's going, come on,
he's not your boyfriend..
he cannot say "i caught your hint"
and just stay there with you.. true,
he wants to.. but you have to ask,
you have to make it seem like a friendly
favour, so that he wouldnt be too guilty,
bringing you out, defying his mom's plea
was much too much already..
cause this was not just him, this was not just
you and him.

please understand, cant you feel that he
is in pain.. and it scares me to watch his
distant eyes, his stone cold ignorance
that mirthless grin, he seems to love it,
he acts like he does.. but notice,
just a little sparkle of tear in his eye,
then you'll understand, understand that
he knows his life is drawing close to the end.

it hurts.. but somehow, he loves it,
the masochist, the more he suffers,
the nicer it seems.. but
he can no longer live in solitary..
that means one day, he will lose his
masochism and start hating the pain.
that will be the day, you watch someone
mutate into a living dead, a man
who dies before his body dies.

P.S : sorry, exams are drawing near,
the rest you should understand.

Kampfen

2007-09-02T18:14:00.000+08:00

this story told once by many,
shall once again be told by me.

Kampfen a buddy of mine,
was once a passionate fool,
he believed in love so much
he was bound to suffer.

he loved well, with all his heart
but she had never appreciated this fool.
one day he told her to stop lying,
she said she had no lies,
a week flies by and true the ship has sunk.

he thus lost a little faith, struggling on,
he decided to try once more.
a few hours past and the crew parted
before the ship was set to sail.

Kampfen has then lost his heart,
he had taken out his heart,
the heart capable of phantasmal
love and fed it to the dust.
Or should we say,
the world he lived in causes such
and that his life was tough?

this made Kampfen lose his feelings,
he wasnt human, more a robot,
operated on logics and assumptions,
his rights, his wrongs.

no one mattered, the definition
of his love was the physical intimacy,
the hour long fornication and the
friend he has for that night.

nothing else matters, he no longer felt pain,
happiness seemed distant but he didnt care.
he must let no one hurt him again.
and if he didnt love, no one could hurt him.

to him, loving is hurting.
but he couldnt see then, that hurting is
but only part of loving, there was still
much much more.

he never knew what was fear, he had no fears,
he faced death in the eyes, jumping
from roofs to roofs, from stories high,
to the levelled ground.
he walked across busy streets and he fought
with life as the stake.

then, a faithful encounter,
that one day changed his life,
that one very day altered the core of his resolve,
he was set to feel again.

he set his eyes on a special girl and he felt
his heart palpitating, fluttery,
with unbated beats slowly becoming rapid.

he soon came to search for his heart,
abandoning the thoughts that flesh on flesh
was indeed the only source of happiness,
retracing his steps and correcting the wrongs,
he must rebuild himself.

then, this lady he liked, seemed all too
unpredictable,
after he left his heart behind,
there was never once, not a single once,
had his mind been in a frenzy,
logic now defies him, he is afraid to make
false moves, and that had incurred her wrath.

now he thinks she finds him repungent,
he very much wants to apologise,
but it never seems to work..
he is already starting to lose
the meaning of his name

hey my dear friend.. dont worry..
you are now human again.. and one
day your love be reciprocated..
we all just wait and see.. dont be afraid.

Suicidal

2007-08-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

In a little home, all alone; there once lived a girl,
beautiful, 5 feet 7, her hairs had lovely curls.
She loved a guy, more than she ever loved her life,
and waited for the day, to be recognised as his wife.

she treated him like a gift sent from heavens above,
& often said, he taught her the true meaning of love.
She longed to be in his arms, holding onto his hands,
he was everything to her - a lover and a best friend.

He too loved the girl from the botton of his heart,
he had a strong belief that none can do them part.
The only obstacle was, he was too far from her,
maybe 530 miles, i'm unsure what the numbers were.

At times she talks to him of one of her friends,
saying he's the one on whom she can always depend,
he often asked "Oh! Well, then what am i to you?!"
She replied, "you've made my dreams come true."

"you're the one whom i think of all day and night,
you've filled my life with happiness and delight.
Whenever i close my eyes, it's only you i see,
i love you more than my life, you're everything to me."

It was her best friend, she always talked about,
something's going on, now the guy started to doubt.
At times he's like a glass filled with anger to the brim,
he thought an affair was on between her and him.

At times he thought how much she speaks is true,
he wanted her to prove when she said "i love you"
he often asked "why don't you value what you say?"
and she always replied "why do you feel that way?"

The distance between them had a serious impact,
and soon, like the start, nothing was perfect.
The girls effort to stay with him didn't last too long,
lovely melody of her life turned to a monotonous song.

With thoughts of doubt each and every passing day,
their trust was breaking & their love fading away.
Time went on slowly and nothing could be fine,
doubts in his mind kept showing their shine.

She missed him and her nights were passing in a cry,
she sent him many letters, he didn't send any replies.
No words can describe, the pain she was going through,
she didn't know how to get to him or what else to do.

She talked to his friends and asked his number,
but he wasn't interested and kept ignoring her.
Poor her tried to search for him in things all around,
and at the times she needed him, he was never found.

He never showed concerns for her, he never even cared,
the pain she was living, couldn't be compared.
The girl was really hurt, she committed suicide,
the news next day read "girl, 20, yesterday died..."

In a room locked from inside, her body was found,
stained in blood, next to the bed, lying upon the ground.
In her left hand, she clasped a note,
upon the letter, her last words she wrote.

"When you read this, i wouldn't be here with you,
but that does not mean, my love was never true.
Who was that guy Honey? He was nothing to me,
you were my life, i wished you could see...

"I would love you for eternity", was your promise,
but you didn't trust my love for you and i hate this.
Now you have broken the promise you once made,
i'm going far away with a slice of the blade.

I loved you with all my heart and i forever do,
but what's the purpose of living, if i'm not with you?
Maybe i wasn't your girl or you couldn't see,
that you were my life, my everything to me.

With a last wish, to see your face,
i'm going to the heavens above, in God's embrace.
Remember, no one can love you the way i loved you,
every word of promise, was cent percent true.

This is my last present for you, for what you've done,
i'm going to a place, from where i'll never come.
As you'll read this and i'm in the heavens up above,
maybe then you'd realise, the thing called true love."

It was never meant to be this way, with a weep,
now she's lying in her grave, forever in deep sleep.
See that doubts for sure, can cause a relation's death,
so don't ever let doubts take away your last breath.

Try to understand. just try. but dont try too hard

2007-08-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

Vienna - Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if you're so smart, tell me
why are you still so afraid?

where's the fire what's the hurry about?
you'd better cool it off before you burn it out
you've got so much to do
and only so many hours in a day

but you know when the truth is told..
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
you're gonna kick of before you're even
get halfway through
when will you realise? Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
you can't be everything you want to be before your time
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight..
tonight..
too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
though you can see when you're wrong, you know
you can't always see when you're right. you're right

you've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
when will you realise? Vienna waits for you.

Slow down you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realise? Vienna waits for you

and when you know the truth is told..
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
why don't you realise? Vienna waits for you
When will you realise? Vienna waits for you

in comemoration of my words
the words i shall never speak, the words to offer my bosom,
my touch, my care and concern. true, sometimes,
you just need to relax, chill out and you know, that you've
always got somewhere to run to.

"a pragmatist, a rationalist who didn't give due credit to the
influence of emotions and pent up sentiments"

used to describe a political leader.. but how so true is it,
when applied in description of myself and probably,
all of the rest of us out there.
but you should know, beneath the strength, always lies
a greater weakness.. the stronger one appears to be,
the weaker he is inside..
Why? why is HE so soft now? When HIS life had been
a hard one to live?

That's cause he had gone insane, insane due to his
everchanging viewpoints of the different connotations
of love.. Intimacy; a by-product of love,
this was never his thoughts, never when his heart
sunk from the defeat of unconditional love.

now, he will try it once more..
for he has felt that god was no longer with him..
and he has choosen to forgive himself
and ask god to once again forgive him,
to stay with him. in his quest to find this
belief in emotions and thus, love once more.

'respect her being, honour her purity'

he shall stand by these words.
i promised to be there, i promised i will stay.
but will you allow me to fulfil my promise?
and always remember, no one can be blamed,
for loss of relationships, so i command unto
thee, to be free of all things that prove
to be hindrances, and proceed onwards
as your heart commands. it pains to ignore
the heart. =D

when will you realise? Vienna waits for you

All For the Heck Of it..

2007-08-15T20:00:00.000+08:00

Another night, After Rugby training.

Act II, Scene I : In the toilet outside the gym.

Enter Fade, Freak, Stickman

Stickman: What? You mean he really is Bi?

Freak,Fade(in unison): OF COURSE..

Freak: What? you think we'd be kidding about his sexuality
*Gawffaws* We wouldn't be doing that for 5 years now right?

Fade: Hell no.. Yeah.. see, open options, So i wouldn't get bored,
UNLIKE someone.. -eyes Freak.

Stickman: Well, i don't wanna get into those relationships too,
cause i'm worried of getting bored.. Since, i am heterosexual
too.. Lucky me.. i'm gonna hold out til marriage man..

Freak: Now marriage would be different man.. sex for love is
not intercourse, it's SEX.. different.. but for intercourse,
open options, Giving or receiving, certainly proved advantageous..

Fade: YAMAN! That's what i do man.. Everyone ought to be like me.

Freak: Uhhhh.. i think i'm still fine the way i am..

Stickman: Yeah.. me too.

Act II, Scene II: Still in the toilet

Enter Mary.(just out of the showers)

Mary: What? You mean being bi has advantages??

Fade: *checks Mary out*

Stickman: well according to them.. but from what they say, i agree too.
*eyes wide, mouth agape*-when he realises what Fade was doing-
DUDE! what are you doing? Stop checking my friend out!

Fade: Well, he had to walk out in his undies..

Stickman: now you wouldn't check him out if you were a girl right?
Would you?

Fade: i don't know man..

Mary: *just recovered from shock* Nah~ you wouldn't
if you haven't noticed, i'm not exactly one of the very hot guys.

Fade: At least you have the chest.

Mary: Look at freak, he's wayyy better than me.

Freak: No man.. i don't exactly look very good man..

Stickman: no actually you are one of the better looking guys in school.

Mary, Fade (unison): yupp.

Fade: In school yeah..
(cut off by Freak)

Freak: well, IN school, outside, maybe just bearly average.

Mary: We cant really hook girls if we're not good looking.

Freak: Actually, No.. we can..

Fade: Y'know, a girl can go for a fat guy but a guy will never go for a fat
girl.

Freak: there you go..

Mary: Really? how come?

Freak: it's just nature's law, guys don't really have to be afraid of looks,
they just need charisma..

Stickman: We set? lets go outside and continue, cause it's way too wrong
to be standing in a toilet talking about stuff like that.

So they left the toilet and went along to buy a drink and sit for a chat,
Stickman left early for tuition he doesn't need. Freak, Fade and Mary
chatted for another hour or so.

All For the Heck Of it.. A night in the Freak's life

2007-08-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

Act I Scene I: Leaving MacDonalds' TPY-1

Entr' Act, Fade, Freak

Freak: y'know i'm getting sick of this stuff?
Uncommisioned unofficial 'connections' and all..

Fade: Now, since when did you recently have it?

Freak: well, the 2 weeks holiday thingy? the one with
OBS and all? Well, hooked up a 14 year old one.
Felt like Puking after that...

Fade: Oh~ why? cause you cant puke down there you
gotta puke up there?

Freak: Nah~ i puked fine down there but i just felt sick
after that.. like, it no longer means any fun to me..

Fade: Now that's why you've gotta keep your options open,
so you won't get bored.. Look at me, i can give and recieve.

Freak: *raised eyebrow* i think i'm quite fine the way i am.

Closing: Fades down the flight of stairs.

Act I Scene II:

Entr' Act: Fade, Freak

At the open area down the flight of stairs, towards JTC.

Fade: Maybe if you get your fetish, you wont be so bored?

Freak: Maybe... But remember mine isn't all weird?
Not like spanking or uniforms and all?
Hot girls with full back tattoos aint easy to come by y'know?

Fade: well yeah~ too bad.

Freak: Skip the topic man.. Long way?

Fade: i've gotta hit J8 so ok..

-as they walked along, their lighthearted heart-to-heart speech
carries on.. fading into the dark of the distance with a Songka band
playing as if to soothe the singing of the crickets in the late evening moonshine.

damn this life sucks

2007-08-12T15:42:00.000+08:00

i witnessed your futile attempts to spite me,
same location, different emotions
i didnt make the wrong choice
to be just friends(:

friends come and go in your life,
vincent, kejun, weisheng, kai
you'll always be fondly remembered in my heart
these memories always remain,
but the people, sadly dont stay

to my buddy.
we've been drifting,
the meetups with you dont seem as heartwarming anymore
there are times i hesitate
before i confide in you,the speech is limited,
time constraints are ever present,
different cliques, different environments
the lack of effort present
those heart to heart talks,those tears we shed
i know, will only be be extant fragments
for me to reminiscise upon
because i know,we'll never be how we used to be anymore
perhaps time will let you notice the distance between us
i miss you buddy, where are you?
perfect strangers, we'll soon become...

That post, hurt me further than one can imagine.
it feels worse than my skin being ripped from my flesh.
this friend i hold more dear than my life..
is now telling me we are no longer that tight..
happiness is said to be found in the simplest things,
loveing another w/o returns can also be a joy..
but what if you had once this love back?
won't you miss it more than anything..
it ain't the kinda fragile love we had,
it was the love of a family, the love that can last a life.
but now the distance between us never seemed greater,
telling myself it wasn't there and i was just oversensitive.
why did you have to point it out?
why did you have to make it so real?
it's like a sound in my head, slowly resonating,
never fading.
i miss you too.. we knew this would happen
but remember our promise to be there at the end of the road,
to study in the same uni,
don't ever forget that, and when we are once again close
to each other, we can again catch up and progress with each other.
never shall we be strangers.

anybody disagrees?

2007-08-10T18:31:00.001+08:00

everyone says "pursue your dreams, pursue your dreams"
"follow your heart, do what you like, not what you were told"
but how many people actually are allowed to pursue their dreams?

in our lives, to pursue our dreams,
as kids, we faithfully wait for opportunities.
but many a time, when it arises, we are afraid, we are afraid to venture.
but not only so, some of us, do not even get these opportunities,
so we give up, we know that we are getting old,
we lose ambitions and we settle, that's how pathetic we are.
it's sad, demoralising, how many people have dreams, all of us..
how many can actually realise our dreams? not many...
we then have to lie to ourselves.
to keep ourselves hanging above the line, not wanting to subject
ourselves to the same old pitiful and mundane life story.

But the thing is, pursuing a passion indeed takes alot,
scarificing almost everything you have.. your comfortable life,
your lover, your time, your money..
almost everything.. most people do not have this kind of drive.

so what do they do?
they settle, settle for a job, or even a spouse that is
convenient, average or 'okay'.
so when asked, why do you do this?
he'll answer, "oh, cause it's okay" or "it pays the bills"
and the most classic, "it sucks, but it's a job, it isn't supposed to be fun"

that's the state our society is in now.. but can we really help it?

Lost Love. Or Lost Direction..

2007-08-09T15:47:00.000+08:00

Life is getting very bleak
i don't think i will find the love i seek.
the future is seemingly black
and i know there is now going back

The chances for success
are becoming less and less
i've poured out my soul and heart
and we still remain miles apart.

my love for her is so deep
it even robs me of my sleep
i'm in so much pain
maybe a deep blade into the vein.

do you think that this signifies the losing
of love or the losing of one's direction in life?
i mean after we lose something dear to us,
we cease to believe in something,
we lose a part of us and become different.

during a divorce, you do not get divided..
no.. u get diverted. les divertes
you are FORCED to change your way.
you need to replan your life,
edit and change your calander, ur schdule,
readjust to quiet thursday nights without
her.
your friday nights are blissful with friends.
but your bliss is shortlived now,
cause you know when you reach home,
you have to face the walls alone,
you slam back to bed.

life's lesson learnt?

2007-08-05T15:50:00.000+08:00

The best teachers in life,

are not people who bring you to your destination.

They are the ones who show you many ways,

and you will have to choose your own,

then they will become useless to you,

they can not help you anymore for

you have taken the path of your choice

of which they have no knowledge about.

life is like cycling, and cycling alone is quite boring.

and just like any long cycling trip,

many people will give up, even your friends,

you will go out on your own journey,

meeting friends who will cycle with you,

as you cycle and the fatigue builds up,

you will start watching friends give up,

one-by-one. but you cannot stop,

you cannot stop because you are aware

that our time is limited,

you leave them behind, now you are alone,

you want to give up, you don't know where you should go,

you notice a certain van, you decide to hang on to this van,

the van called routines.

that is how most of our lives become.

but is that what we want, yes, routines

make life so much easier, we can go on,

without thinking,

that's when we die when we are alive,

we become blind to the changes and wonders

around us, we cease to feel miracles,

we no longer remember the questions we ask as kids.

"who is GOD?"

"why can't we do what we want?"

"why must we pray?"

"why must we go to churh?"

"why is it we don't have to work as kids?"

so they lose all the questions?

or is it that we have, over the years resigned

to the fact that we live to follow designated paths.

when the WorldTradeCenter crashed in 11/9/01,

the world was in a frenzy to move the debris,

in hope to find life.

most of the lives that had already resigned to routines,

in a way, they were liberated.

but if you take this lesson spiritually,

you will know that deep inside,

routine has long crashed our soul,

our dreams covered in debris,

lets all try to change that, break away

from our comfort zone, do things that we don't

usually do.

Pride, Honour, Glory.

2007-08-02T17:24:00.000+08:00

you know, i don't get my title..
but i'll just try to blog about something relavent..
i mean, that's the whole bloody point to it.

i'm so tired, so tired of it..
i mean i am prideful too, sometimes, too much,
i understand.. but i don't get those people who
can waver so much to their pride,
some people whom i'm only aquainted,
though i don't know them but stories are enough.
if only one person tells me a story,
i sure as hell wouldn't take it for real.
but if i hear more than one story,
about the same guy, about the same thing,
i might believe,
i still will not judge but this is a reflection
of my thoughts on those who hold their pride
above everything else they have and do.

yes, these people look for girlfriends,
these people cannot let go,
these people will still save their pride
no matter what,
i seriously believe that if your girlfriend
means less than your pride,
don't get a girl, you'll only hurt her
and yourself.. you must be thinking right now,
'what is this guy saying?'
well, i'm not saying guys shouldn't have pride,
i'm saying, we should keep it in check,
our girls deserve better,
i'm not saying we MUST always give in,
i'm saying, we should try to give in once in awhile.

she has her social cycle, if she has guy friends,
jealousy is allowed.. but some go to extremes man..
you can be jealous but please, think,
if you guys quarrel? some other guy might be
the one patching you guys up.. or mayb,
u want her to only talk to u,
you wanna be her world?
ever read my previous post?
"give another your bread; but eat not of the same loaf"
that means that both of you should still have your own lives,
why do you think that permenance
can be maintained by possesion?
it won't happen, both of you will tire out..

you are never ready to love when
you can't put her abouve what you so egoistically want.

"Above all, guard your heart; for it's the wellspring of life"-Proverbs 4:23

Dishevelled

2007-08-01T13:41:00.000+08:00

Remember times when you
can't even pick yourself up?
not with your faithful chocolate and all,
and your candies doesn't seem to help too.

then what else do you have? hope.
when Pandora, just like Eve, succumbed to
curiousity and opened the box which Zeus
so strongly warned her against opening,
she release all of them evils and only hope
remained, that's why in times of despair,
we always blindly turn to hope..

but can hoping change anything?
now don't mean to spoil your wonderous
mood and all.. but,
think about this, when you are hoping,
what do you hope for? things to get better?
or for things not to get worse?
didn't you already realise that
things cant get worse?
or didn't u realise that nothing comes
better than they are supposed to be?

haha.. now u can choose to trust in hope..
but a fool will only believe in himself
and trust other fools that believes in him.

Must be humanity's most complicated question.

2007-07-15T23:48:00.000+08:00

In difficult labour,
only the baby or the mom can be saved,
which would you choose?

for girls, put yourself in the mom's shoes 1st,
you would rather sacrifice yourself,
naturally..
but if you'd think again,
as a child, if you caused your mom's death,
albeit indirectly,
you would still feel lyk crap..

as guys, we do not experience the same feelings,
we'd 1st think of the wife's desire to save the kid,
but if we'd pick the kid, the wife in her deathbed,
might be wondering,
"so my husband chose someone he has never seen,
over me."
or perhaps, we'd blame the kid.
then when we don't keep the kid,
we'd think about how we ceased an innocent life,
a life so pure, yet we chose our wives.

now think about this, i want some reply...

Marriage's The Theme.

2007-07-12T22:01:00.000+08:00

i implore upon students whom may have the knowledge of Literature,
to practice their skills of critical analysis, by playing critic on this peom,
the theme is marriage. And of course, those who take interest,
might play critic too.

you were born together,

and together you shall be forevermore.

Aye, you shall be together,

even in the silent memory of god.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

and let the winds of heaven dance between you.

Love one another but not make a bond of love:

let it rather be

a moving sea between the shores of your soul;

Fill each other's cup

but drink not from one cup;

give another your bread

but eat not from the same loaf.

-Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Question in kids' minds, in my mind..

2007-07-09T19:17:00.000+08:00

We are all our parents kids,
some of us, have multiple people,
who are held in our hearts like parents,
and in theirs, you are their child.

but when that happens,
it might seem to be a blessing,
til you find yourself
in a compromising situation.

when you get into problems,
the automatically assume the worst,
on your part.

why? why, you ask..
cause they hold themselves in high esteem,
they have committed a sin,
a sin of vainity.. for they think,
that since they bore you,
you'd never change,
you'd continually be that one same person,
you'd never be wise enough for the world,
never be street smart enough,
their judgement will always be better.

now, i happened to step into this conflict,
with an adult, the manager of an mrt station
(shall not say where)
on one account, it was entirely his mistake,
on the 2nd account,
i was drinking in the mrt station,
true.. but when i unconciously said something,
in my defence, he straight away determined,
that i was challenging authority,
that i had to learn a lesson for that..

so remembering the same man from before,
i thought that he was trying to pick on me.
i did tell my mom, that he MIGHT be picking on me,
i said i didn't know, it wasn't a 100%.
i told her i was only 20% sure,
she assumed i was being picked on immediatly,
she told my god parents, my uncle, aunts,
basically, the world.. that i was wrongfully dealt with,
by an adult.. they all were infurated.

so, they brought me, to question the fella,
he immediatly said i was drinking,
and i still challenged authority,
and just cause he said he wasn't trying to teach me,
my godfather said that he was respecting them,
and had to be respected..
it was only his OWN perception.
and now, in my goddad's perception,
i'm wrong, i was rude,
so i defied authority,
i, a hot-blooded New Age Teen,
would ONLY naturally, do such an act.

so i couldn't care less,
i brought up the first case,
the manager, straight away dismissed it,
saying "we have to put that aside."
so, in my goddad's head,
he was apologising, WHAT IS THIS?
just cause he said "put it aside"
he is no longer wrong?

now, EVERYONE in my family,
says i wronged him, i was in the fault,
i challenged him 1st,
i, framed him saying he was INDEED picking on me.
i have to remphasise, i DIDN'T say he was,
i said he MIGHT be.

yeah, adults, just cause they might have lived longer,
always assume things and are automatically right,
they are never wrong, we are,
i gave up arguing, cause it's pointless.
useless to try and convince people,
who are already full of themselves,
they'd never have enough space for children to speak,
children are always wrong..

or is it because, they think we'd never grow up??

Realisation

2007-07-05T19:43:00.000+08:00

questioning my reasons for doubting,
i have come to a conclusion,
a conclusion i'm sure many are aware of,
but jus don't really know how to bring out..

neither do i,
til i chanced upon an article written by a respected writer..

with doubts, i see many reasonable points and angles
to a certain matter,
i will then proceed to make decisions on that matter,
which will then make me act,
but my action must be carried with enthusiasm
and the initial doubt brings that enthusiasm,
this decision made, must relate to my dreams
and must act according to my will,
for personal reasons and my dreams must and will be fulfiled by me,
then, w/o life, how am i capable of achieving everything?
i've realised the true importance of living

to live, we are given chances to fulfil our desires,
to keep the cycle going and improving
the lives of future generations to go...

P.S. sorry for making you read this,
i don't really know why i'm typing this out either..
but, i have already been wondering for some time,
what do i have to write about.. i guess,
this is the best i can do.. =D

LALALA~

2007-06-22T16:33:00.000+08:00

I'm reli bored.. Took it from Pru.. Just like Debbie.. LOL.. once in awhile i have to be dumb.. Charlene told me to be

How well have you travelled?

East-West

[X] Changi Airport - To fly, eat, duty free shop... many more

[X] Expo - watch some disney on ice thing, book fair..

[X] Pasir Ris - chalet, eat, shop.

[X] Tampines - shop, eat, meet friends.

[X] Simei - God bro's sch..

[X] Tanah Merah - Tanah Merah interchange.

[X] Bedok - Some training place

[ ] Kembangan -

[X] Eunos - walkwalk

[X] Paya Lebar - Mom's friend house

[X] Aljunied - Forgot redi.

[X] Kallang - National Stadium

[X] Lavender - Immigration, beach road.

[X] Bugis - shop, eat steamboat, bras basah, simlim sq, funan..

[X] Raffles Place - Work, walkwalk..

[ ] Tanjong Pagar -

[X] Outram Park - HSA.. pay fine.. =.=

[X] Tiong Bahru - Friend's place..

[X] Redhill - Uh oh~ uhm... activities..

[X] Queenstown - shopping complex, car showrooms.

[X] Commonwealth - someone's granny's place

[X] Buona Vista - NUS..

[X] Dover - Friend's school

[X] Clementi - Dad's friend..

[X] Jurong East - East coast.. Fishing & BBQ..

[X] Chinese Garden - Lantern Festival.. ROFL

[ ] Lakeside -

[X] Boon Lay - something.

North-South

[X] Bukit Batok - Working friend's house.. Friend's sch
[ ] Bukit Gombak -

[X] Choa Chu Kang - Take bus to meet uncle.

[X] Yew Tee - Go settle problem

[ ] Kranji -

[X] Marsiling - Bus to uncle's place

[X] Woodlands - Walk to uncle's place

[X] Admiralty - Bus to uncle's place

[X] Sembawang - Send friend home, Sun plaza.

[X] Yishun - school , NorthPoint, whack ppl(he cheat my money).

[X] Khatib - School

[X] Yio Chu Kang - Granny's place

[X] Ang Mo Kio - Childhood house, Teck Ghee CC

[X] Bishan - My house, J8, Alot of friend's house.

[X] Braddell - Old school! Braddel Mac.

[X] Toa Payoh - library, 600 @ TPY, Entertainment center

[X] Novena - Novena sq, United sq, the new shopping center.

[X] Newton - EAT~!

[X] Orchard - =.=

[X] Somerset - =.=

[X] Dhoby Ghaut - =.=

[X] Marina Bay - Steamboat! Fireworks! walkwalk.

North-East

[X] Harbourfront - Sentosa & Vivocity, another fren's place

[x] Chinatown - Tat shop, mooncake, some heritage race.

[X] Clarke Quay - pubbing, walk walk

[X] Little India - lots of temples

[X] Farrer Park - Fiona.. =.=

[ ] Boon Keng -

[X] Potong Pasir - bball..

[X] Serangoon - Pri sch! Cousin's house.

[X] Kovan - Meet John, Drink soyabean, heartland mall

[X] Hougang - Father's shop, lived ther til 3 yrs old

[X] Buangkok - walk.

[X] Sengkang - Compass pt.

[X] Punggol - play bball, used to have lessons there.

True Friends or Make Believe?

2007-06-21T18:16:00.000+08:00

In times of trouble or dismay,
remember the people at your side?

if this seems like the norm,
the usual friend story,
then you might not read on.
but i assure you,
this is something different.

Half of those people by your side,
they are your worst fear,
they are the people who are fake,
the ones who win your trust,
so that they can personally gain from you.

these people are the kind of people
that are the hardest to sniff out.
they will carefully stab your back
in such a way that you can barely know.
by the time you do,
it's already too late.

these sort of losers,
they will always be around,
just when you are influential and rich,
they drift here and there
and stick to their targets,
they will be like your best of friend,
till your usefulness is sucked dry.

then again,
there are people who seem to have disappeared,
but they are still your friends,
these people are harder to find,
they prefer helping in the dark,
cause they do not want credit.

i love those people.
hardly do you find them,
when they help you, they do not accept thanks,
they do not want to be noticed,
these my friends, are the true friends,
they disappear cause they know
that you'd prefer being left alone.

if we all continue thinking that this world,
is so easily read,
we will never find our true friends
we will always miss out the people
who can really be loyal to us.
open your eyes and look around you,
who's real and who's fake.

For them or For us?

2007-06-18T01:13:00.000+08:00

remember how people used to preach about good deeds?
remember when we did good dids cause we felt like it?
what are we learning nowadays?

schools, telling us CIP is for our leaving cert,
religious groups,
telling us that it is to purify our tainted lives,
to let us lead better and more fulfiled lives,
claiming that the moment you start with them,
you are going to feel the positive change in your life,

so now, we are doing these good deeds,
just so we can gain from them?
just so we will earn some merit to liberate ourselves
or probably have nicer leaving certs to give us a better chance?

yeah, the novelty is worn out..
i have so damned decided not to join these groups
in their "purification" of their karma
or lifting of their spirits,
cause i so believe good deeds will not
NEVER be done so we gain merit.

i believe that it is our heart,
that wants to give, not because there will be someone,
telling me that my life will get better the more i serve.
i just don't believe in that.

P.S just like the word sorry,
good deeds have lost their novelty.
i don't do stuff like that...

Wrong? wrong! are you sure?

2007-05-31T00:24:00.000+08:00

The piece of bread that fell wrong side up

We all have a tendency to believe that everything we do will turn out wrong, because we think we do not deserve to be blessed. Here is an interesting story about precisely that feeling.
A man was quietly eating his breakfast. Suddenly, the piece of bread which he had just spread with butter fell to the ground.

Imagine his surprise when he looked down and saw that it had landed buttered side up! The man thought he had witnessed a miracle. Excited, he went to tell his friends what had happened, and they were all amazed because when a piece of bread falls on the floor, it always lands buttered side down, making a mess of everything.

‘Perhaps you’re a saint,’ one friend said. ‘And this is a sign from God.’

Soon the whole village knew, and they all started animatedly discussing the incident: how was it that, against all expectations, that man’s slice of bread had fallen on the floor buttered side up? Since no one could come up with a credible answer, they went to see a Teacher who lived nearby and told him the story.

The Teacher demanded one night to pray, reflect and ask for Divine inspiration. The following day, they all returned, eager for an answer.
‘It’s quite simple really,’ said the Teacher. ‘The fact is that the piece of bread fell exactly as it should have fallen, but the butter had been spread on the wrong side.’
-Paulo Coelho

tell me anybody who isn't guilty of the same kind of thoughts?
that there is a "must" to everything?
we always believe that things MUST go wrong, very wrong.
even the teacher thinks the same way,
he thinks that just because the butter didn't make a mess,
there must be something wrong, a catch to it,
in the end, he thought he had come up with a perfect solution,
that the man had made a mistake.
(like yeah? there's a right side to spread butter?)

this story make us all seem a wee bit stupid don't you think?
like we are all ignorant yound kids, who don't know shit.
but get a load of that, it's just an example.
we do have thoughts like that, it's just that it happens unconciously.
when things go wrong, we always expect it to be extremely bad,
like we are cursed.
we think we're so jinxed that if it's only a minor setback,
we think that a miracle has happened
or maybe there's something we terrible haven't noticed.

this teaches us, to learn to accept everything,
good or bad, and not only be comfortable
with negetive "must"s that have haunted us throughout our lives

Equal rights?

2007-05-28T17:06:00.000+08:00

i know i'm gonna start a war now,
but please, feel free to comment,
guys or girls alike.

BUT,
let's see, we all know that's what girls ask for,
how many girls have you heard
flinging word "chauvinist" at you?

or how many girls have you heard,
claiming there should be "equality"?

they only see the bad side of everything,
thinking they are underestimated,
thinking they are repressed and undermined by society,
claiming they are of the "new age",
the 21st century,
they too, should get equal rights.

but they do not see that equal rights,
can mean many things,
i shall list them down.
- they must stop expecting guys to give in.
- they must now foot their own bills.
- crying no longer helps.
- whining doesn't either.
- carry their own shopping bags.
- pay for the usage of household utilities.
- share same toilets.
- do NS (in some countries)
- stop hitting guys or expect to get the blow back.
- don't expect guys to help open doors
- don't expect guys to go whereever they wanna go.
and many more, i'm just too lazy to continue

as you can see, you know all these actions that guys do,
they don't notice the importance,
they are - by nature - physically less inclined than men,
so they lose out in many ways,
even in the bible, it is stated that wives must submit,

when guys are "chauvinistic", bask in the love man,
why complain? they don't allow you to work,
let you stay at home, with the exception of caring for the child,
the fruit of your love, and free-load off their hard work,
why not?

guys open the doors for you,
when you whine, we go wherever you please,
do whatever you want,
not because we look down on you,
but because we respect the fact that you're women,

when we pay for your bills,
burn holes in our pockets,
you don't see it,
you think you are a strong and capable individual,
ladies, where do you get your diamonds?
for some, i must say,
you have your own money.
but for most of them,
where do you get your shoes,
your house, your bags, your cars, etcetera?

bask in the love girls, guys aren't being chauvinistic,
even if we were, you get all the attention,
live with it, enjoy it, quit complaining.

Music.

2007-05-22T08:48:00.000+08:00

my, yours and everyone else's escape.
we all need some time away from reality.
music, provides the best form of escape.

a proof of this is the way people react differently with music.
when you're in a train/bus or anywhere with lots of people,
and you just stare at them,
some people will get pissed off,
but when they see you with your headphones,
they will think you're otherwise engaged
and they calm down and get back to their own business.

when you're at pubs,
with that slow, soothing music,
you seem to be able to talk to your friends so much better,
your heart seems to be all so ready to bare itself,
you feel so secure,
you know you are saying too much
but you don't really care, you trust them.

music, the sweet escape.
it's really scary, how people can stay silent,
stay silently listening to music.
so much that they never socialise,
we are currently facing a new generation of musical fanatics,
they will so galdly listen to their mp3 and ignore the world.

people will start to become stranger to each other
whilst they drown in their music blasting from the headphones.
communication skills will go down the drain,
an impending spell to zombify everyone.

a warning my friends,
don't run away from reality with music,
live healthily, talk to people,
don't immerse yourself in music!

Desire or need?

2007-05-19T15:12:00.000+08:00

there's an old saying,
"an old monkey never puts his hand in the hole".

the logic behind is that in India,
hunters used to cut tiny holes in coconuts,
placed a banana in them
and proceeds to bury the whole thing.
a monkey will then come up,
puts his hand in to grab the banana
only to find that it has been trapped
as his clenched fist was too huge to remove from the hole.

now, he could have released his grip,
but he feels that there is a need for that banana,
and stubbornly chooses to hang on
and fight a battle he can never win,
struggling to pluck his hand with the banana out.

this applies to humans too,
we often feel that there is a need for something,
so much so that we become imprisoned in some way.
the luring entrapment of this impending "need"
has always imprisoned inexperienced people,
with them thinking that they can satisfy the "need".

now, don't you agree that the monkey
could have let go and found another source of food?
yet it stubbornly thinks it needs this one.
just like us,
the monkey and humans,
we haven't learnt to differentiate
between needs and wants.

wants are desires,
we will always convince ourselves that we need it,
so we fight so hard for it,
we never see that we have trapped ourselves
either in debt or in the quest,
to satisfy a desire,
IF A DESIRE COULD BE SATISFIED,
IT WILL CEASE TO BE A DESIRE.
we will never achieve what we want,
if we don't learn to let go.

Time to Live and Time to Waste.

2007-05-15T11:51:00.000+08:00

Is it only me? or do you all think we're moving too fast?
cause look at us, constantly rushing ourselves.
year, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds.

that's how we measure our time.
everyday, we seem to think that 24hours do not suffice.
we slog our guts out be it work or school,
only to go home and continue slogging.

we think our time is all about work.
what about our lives?
does it mean that being in one of the fastest cities,
the citizens cannot rest too?

to me,
we got 24hours in a day,
and infinite moments to go along,
and anything can happen in a moment.

but because of how the world's changing now,
we start to measure time,
and by the hours, minutes and seconds.

people fail to notice that in this way,
there is never enough.
time cannot be measured this way.

when we are happy, time passes fast
as the moments come quickly.
when we are low, it goes slow
as the moments drag itself.

we cannot hang on to every minute every second.
but the moments, forever stays in us.

we don't treasure the hour,
but we treasure all the moments we had.
let's not waste out moments away..

Expression

2007-05-14T05:56:00.000+08:00

why do we all submit to the negetivities of the world?
why can't we see things on a nicer plane?

Man, we are all like volcanos,
hot steaming lava without a cover,
when we build up too much pressure,
we naturally overflow and let everything out.
when all of these is gone,
a new scenery is created,
we allow new life to form.

but -sadly- most people try to cover it up,
they spend so much of their energy trying so hard,
so hard just to cover a natural occurance.
they have to spend so much of their vigor
that they do not have any left for creativity,
their lives become mundane.

then we all complain about how negetive life is.
but we fail to realise,
we fail to see that if we allow this volcano to erupt,
when all the smoke clears, a new scenery is formed,
new life will grow around us,
we will experience and absorb new energies around us.

when will we ever learn?
when will we learn that true freedom is letting go?
when we let out all that is in us we're actually
detroying all the negetive energies around us
and letting new and -possibly- positive energies grow.

Rebuilding The World?

2007-05-07T14:08:00.000+08:00

A father was trying to read the newspaper,
but his little son kept pestering him.
Finally, the father grew tired of this and,
tearing a page from the newspaper
- one that bore a map of the world -
he cut it into several pieces and handed them to his son.

‘Right, now you’ve got something to do.
I’ve given you a map of the world and I want to see if you can put it back together correctly.’
He resumed his reading,
knowing that the task would keep the child occupied for the rest of the day.

However, a quarter of an hour later, the boy returned with the map.
‘Has your mother been teaching you geography?’ asked his father in astonishment.
‘I don’t even know what that is,’ replied the boy.
‘But there was a photo of a man on the other side of the page,
so I put the man back together and found I’d put the world back together too.’
-Paulo Coelho

now, what is the moral of this story?
i know i'm trying to analyse a professional writer's work
and may have made mistakes,
so if you really think that i have indeed commited fallacy,
feel free to criticise.

We can view this story on the surface and in depth,
in both ways, we still gain a little knowledge.

On the surface level,
the boy, despite his lack of knowledge on geographical studies,
he has indeed pieced the map back together.
how has he managed to do it?
he turned the map around and pieced another picture together,
the picture of a man, obviously enough,
he should know the generic outlook of a man.
that goes to show that this child,
has found an alternative solution to the problem that was posed to him,
he had not chosen to ponder aimlessly, and not progress.
This, teaches us to look at things from different angles,
and not just the plain and simple one degree view.
when you think that the problem is unsolvable,
change your perception and perhaps,
you might find a solution.

In depth,
knowing Paulo Coelho as a spiritual writer,
his writings are bound to be philosophical most of the time.
the words from the boy,
"i put the man back together and found i'd put the world back together too."
struck me as something that contained a hidden meaning.
Man, can be refered to as humanity,
and now, the world is at shambles,
not exactly the world but look at the Iran war,
the Tamil Tigers bombings in Sri Lanka,
all this are signs of a divided world.
If somehow, people are united as one, peace would resume,
hence the world working together at peace.

human, we always think of how we can shape the world,
but rarely do we see a need to change ourselves,
we are so full of ourselves that we disregard the need to put ourselves in place,
when all humans do a part in correcting themselves,
the world will be so much a better place.

Think about it, i might be right,
i might be wrong. feel free to critisise or tag about it.

Auld Lang Syne

2007-04-29T14:23:00.000+08:00

i woke up today, early in the morning
to go for my granny's funeral procession.
the little prick in my heart has subsided,
it was just a formality to me.

you might say, i was being unfeeling and cold,
but if you consider the fact that i don't really know her,
you'd understand that the prick in my heart before,
is already amazing enough.

i went through a couple of rites,
and kneeling on my already sore knees,
after which, the sons and grandsons,
we were sitted beside the dreaded coffin which layed my granny,
i watched her alot, so hoping she'd wake up,
and flash that unforgotten smile.
but she never did.

today as her friends came to pray,
the family, we had to sit by her coffin,
the coffin made of rosewood
with such delicate handiwork and handles plated with gold,
when suddenly, the band broke into the melodious overture,
Auld Lang Syne.

it sets the mood so right, but i could ignore it.
when one of her friends walked in,
saw my granny in the coffin,
she broke in to an endless stream of tears,
she started wailing and her tears couldn't stop.
her friend, was as old as she was,
frial as she looked, the friend nearly fell.

as i saw all that happened, i felt something,
something in my previously cold heart,
i too, wanted to let my tears flow.
looking around, i realised that because of the emotional show,
many of my family members too wanted to cry.

but the pact we made, to send my granny off,
without the tears so that her soul could rest,
was not to be broken.
the tune of Auld Lang Syne ended,
and we had to go through yet another ritual.
that's when i realised, i would never again,
see that smile i never forgotten, through the years....

The Litter.

2007-04-25T22:29:00.000+08:00

now hold it, the title..
hmm.. what does it signify?
do you know what it means?
the definition of litter is thrash that isn't placed correctly.
thrash being items that are considered unwanted
and useless to the particular being.

that brings me to my title,
"The Litter".. now,
don't blame me for the numerous reiterations
of the meaning of the word, as i find that there's a need to.
this "Litter", is not, i repeat, NOT the litter of cubs,
it is crudly, RUBBISH(as if "trash" wasn't crude enough),
that is put in a place where it doesn't belong.

why am i writing about rubbish?
possibly because i do not have a topic to write about
or because i find a need to express my concern over this matter.
you decide.
In my class, as most of my classmates agree,
there is a certain parasite that everyone wants to get rid of.
HE feeds on your patience, this parasite,
is very deadly, he hurls words/sentences/phrases,
that makes no sense at all, to you,
and gives you an intellectual and wise look on his round face,
when he sure as hell doesn't SOUND very intellectual.
At least he tries to, but intellect comes together with
DEVELOPED logic, be it whether this logic is screwed or not,
logic is still of large importance for words to make sense.

an example of a case study, for evidence sake,
is a personal encounter i had had with this particular parasite.
i am not trying to boast, as this post is about the parasite.
or the "Litter" i am refering to.
He claims that my alleged skills and violent rampages are
NOT ENOUGH to bring him down.
(he thinks his 70+ kg fat mass is heavy.)
he is short, fleshy and clumsy.
he thinks he can be fast,
compared to a 55kg washboard belly and
tone-armed boy.
what do you think?

i think he has a challenged intellect and should,
check out his cerebral hemisphere,
cause he has no sense for art(left brain),
nor logic(right brain).
so, his whole grey-matter should be checked.
for the 1st time in my life,
i am discriminating.
he forced me to do it,
i can't take a know-it-all look from a guy,
who doesn't know any better.

someone should pick this litter up
and put it away, it doesn't belong here.
it doesn't have a life.
it can't move itself out of people's way.
and chooses to hang on people's thin thread of patience.
please, someone, sweep it away.
or recycle and make good use of it,
save the world from pollution!

P.S. people who know me and my class,
a riddle for you.
Who/what is this "Litter"?

1st post, nothing sweet reli..

2007-04-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

yeah.. what can i say?
today was a really beautiful day,
nice weather..

i had planned to blog about people
and their "politeness" today.
but things took a huge twist,
and ironically, this twist wasn't supposed to hit that hard.

this was about 7pm,
when i just finished taking a bath,
i was feeling quite happy
cause of the wonderful day,
when i was on the phone with my mom,
she went "your granny passed away"
i was stupefied, i said "what? which one?"
she said "your dad's mom"
that's the main point,
i was dealt with a blow that civically,
shouldn't be hard to deal with.
i haven't seen this granny in a long time,
and i really mean long.
most i see her is thrice every year.

but when i started thinking about it,
i can't help but to feel a kind of darkness engulf my heart,
this persistant tear, it wants so much to come out.

can i think of it as relieve from her sickness?
the ailments that starts from old age?
but i wanted to do something as a grandson,
now, the only thing i can ever do is,
to attend her funeral.
i never had her and she never had me,
all we knew about each other is that we are kins,
she was a really kind person,
she never fails to smile
and talking to her everytime i visit has always been nice,
she never fails to make people happy.

i cringe at the fact that i can only hold the joss sticks for her,
i didn't wanna do that til i'm much older,
so she can see, that one of her grandsons,
though grown up outside her family,
still cared for her.
i don't know if it matters, but i still wanna care for her.
now, i can only do the things which are so insignificant,
things which we as living people just believe they see.
but do we know for real?
i guess we'll never know lest we're dead too.

now i know, that someone who isn't known to you,
just as long as they are family,
you will still feel the tearing of your flesh when they leave,
be it for the better or for the worse,
you will never know, you'd only know that they have trasnscended,
to the netherworld.

i promise brighter posts in the near future..
but not today.
i apologise..